Review Needed.

Hi guys, My name is aakash kumar and i'm new to squiffy and gamebook related staff.

I've created a short story that, I want to complete in future but as you know, I'm new to gamebook related staff so if you can help me by giving your review on my short story : http://textadventures.co.uk/games/play/0gri05djdes2jz693wpqka

Please give suggestions like which features should i add like an bag, etc.

Edit: The story is not showing when i visit the above link but it is showing normally as it should in preview mode. If you know why it is happening, please let me know.


Hey Aakash,

I like your story so far! Thank you for sharing.
The path I took ended abruptly when I arrived at the lab.
I assume you are still developing it, so I look forward to reading the rest.

I am by no means a professional speller/editor, but I would like to help where I can.
...I also realize there are significant grammar differences between American English and British English. I am familiar with some, but not all, so I may be mistaken with some of my suggested corrections. Take it for what it's worth.

Either way, here are a few helpful improvements that I hope make your story more awesome:

SPOILER

=Capitalization=
pallet in the south of panto = Pallet in the south of Kanto
pidgey = Pidgey (if used as a proper name)

=Typos=
However a reminder that it was not yer=yet summer
twovelve = twelve
to make dicision = to make a decision
heading towards route 1 you saw few pidgey's. = heading towards route 1 you saw few pidgeys.
Few pidgey's flying = Few pidgeys flying
"Bye mom" Youshouted. = "Bye mom" You shouted.
You arrived in front of pokemon lab. = You arrived in front of the Pokemon lab.

Hope that helps. Thank you for the pleasure of beta testing your story! ^.^


Thanks for the review Amoche, I'm aware of the typos and story ending at the lab as it's just a sample and about the grammer errors, this is the first time, I'm writing an story/gamebook, so it is obivious that it may have grammer errors but, I'll fix them with help of friends before publishing actual gamebook/story.


Oh, okay. So you were looking more for possible story ideas?


Yes, I am looking for possible story ideas and also for any kind of suggestions that can make the gamebook, more interesting to play.
e.g: adding inventory and possibility to change clothes anytime they want, not just when the story requires to.. ( can i do it with squiffy or will i have to use quest? )


You may be able to do it with a combination of Squiffy and some creative approaches. I've not used Squiffy, so I can't say with any authority. I do know that the intelligence provided by a variable is difficult to match.

I am working on my own story as well. For inspiration, I read other stories. I like to take other people's ideas and think "yea, that's okay, but what if it went like this instead"

Here is a different idea that maybe no one has done yet... you could meet a Pokemon trainer that is actually a Pokemon, say a giant evolved Pikachu or something. Then you can capture him and get all his Pokemon pets.


First, thanks, Amochure, for posting this for me!


I'm more into Quest, but I think most Squiffy users use a master passage to keep a 'menu' on-screen at all times.

You can use to display whatever you want, though.

It should even run JS every time someone clicks a passage, if you set it up that way.


http://docs.textadventures.co.uk/squiffy/master.html


Silly example game:

@title Faux Menu


[[Beginning]]:
This text displays when play begins.

You can click [here], [there], or [[everywhere]].

[here]:
This is a nice page, huh?

[there]  |  [[everywhere]]

[there]:
This page is boring, right?

[here]  |  [[everywhere]]

[[everywhere]]:
Did I say 'everywhere'?  I meant 'nowhere'!

[[Beginning]]

[[Visit the clothing store.]]:
There would be clothes and such here, if KV wasn't lazy!

[[Beginning]]

[[]]:
@clear
[[Visit the clothing store.]]


Thanks for the code Richard Headkid, that is exactly what i was looking for. :)


If you will excuse me...
Are you Arabic?
aakash kumar
I always found it weird that whenever an American tries to says something in Arabic, it sounds like gibberish, but when a native speaker does it, it sounds like French! (My only experience of Arabic being the Iraq war episode on South Park.)
Your name is probably pronounced "Akash Kumar", but I read it as Aaaaakkaaaaaassshhhhh Koomar."
P.S. I can probably comment, reviews aren't my strong suit...


Wow, that was incredibly detailed!
You shouldn't need too much, as this is a Gamebook. Just do what is necessary.


"Here is a different idea that maybe no one has done yet... you could meet a Pokemon trainer that is actually a Pokemon, say a giant evolved Pikachu or something. Then you can capture him and get all his Pokemon pets."

No one has ever done that, because that literally is an animal rights violation. It's one thing to do it to the weaker ones with less intelligence, but when one of them thinks it's a human? No, no, and no! It's like that one time Ash tried to catch Meowth, that was awful! (In case you're wondering, he didn't do it to catch him, it was either to teach him a lesson, or he was being a gigantic idiot.....)
Also there was one time someone tried to catch Jesse in a pokeball, llloooooooolllll....!

Also, your link worked for me.

@Amochure What grammar differences?
I'm already aware "color" is spelled "colour".
Is it the "I" and "me" thing? I can say "me" when I want to....
Mother may I, mother may I......


Hi @jmnevil54,
My name is Akash Kumar ( Friends call me Aakash ) and I'm indian not Arabic.

I'm glad you liked my story. :)

P.S
I've already corrected the typos and currently working on grammer errors.. Will post the updated story link for you guys to review :).

Thanks everyone for your reviews and suggestions.


FYI... I will move this to the Game announcements sub-forum shortly - perhaps 5-6 hours - as that's where it belongs. Just know it's not being deleted. You will be able to find the thread over there! :)


Okay. :)


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