Need Advice On My Writing

jmnevil54

05 Apr 2020 02:04 (edited)

Hi, I need advice on my writing. I'm writing a book, Because I Love My Uncle, and I want someone to read through it. It's about a boy in High School. It's a dramatic, coming of age story.

Here's what I have so far.
Something I love my Uncle.
Because I love my Uncle
I love my Uncle Because
I love my uncle, so I wrote a book about us.
Parte 1
Chapitre 1

Some stuff happened.

After school
6:00 or 7:00 p.m.
Uncle James' car drives up. I go out of my room and looks at mom. Uncle James knocks on the door. Mom gets up and opens the door.

"Hello! How've you been?"

"Fine." says mom.

"Good. Johnny..." He said "How are you."

"Fine."

"Good. Good."

He walks in.

My uncle James turns and says to my mom "So, how's work going?"

"Good. Everything is good."

"Good."
James looks at me. "So how about I show you where I live someday?" He paused "But I will need to make copies of my keys first, both sets... So it might take a few days."

"That's fine."

James smiled "Great! What type of food so you like? I will need to know if you'll be coming over. I don't have much food with me, and it's probably not to your taste."

"Um... I don't know. I'm not picky. I can eat anything. "

"Oh, well... I'll just go shopping with you and let you pick out what you want. Does that sound fine?"

"Fine."

James speaks "Why don't we sit down?"

"Sure."

We sit down.

I speak. "So how is your work going, James?"

"Good. It's going good. I'm so glad you asked! I have a few new ideas for new plays, and I started to work on one of them!"

"That's good."

*silence

"So, Johnny, how was school? Did you like it?"

"School was fine. I liked it."

"Good, good. Did you make any friends?"

"No, I haven't met not anyone I'd call a friend yet. "

"That's okay. There's still time."

*silence

"So, Johnny, do you want to visit my house? I have a large mansion that I think you'd love."

"That sounds cool."

"Okay."

*silence

"I have homework to do. I need to go."

"Go ahead."

"Okay, I'll see you later."

"James, why don't we watch TV?"

"Sure. I'm okay with it."

They watch TV. I get homework done.

Two hours later, mom calls me back.
“Johnathan! Come here! Don’t you want to say good-bye to James!”
I come to them. James speaks “See you Johnny. I’m leaving.”
“Okay. I’ll see you.” I say.
“Good-bye.” He says.
“Good-bye.” I say.
Then he got in his car and left.

The next day, talk about bully, Ethan.

Bluevoss

05 Apr 2020 13:25

Okay, I'm a published author (self- and through a publisher, and several under contract). I was in a writing group for years and also blog about writing. And this is a classic example my instructor talked about.

"Who cares?"

Sounds cold, but there it is. I heard it when some woman in class wrote all about her grandmother for class, how she loved her and everything. The instructor listened to the entire four-five pages and then said "How cares?"

The point is, you need to make people want to read more. There needs to be something that captures them and moves them and holds them. Since you aren't sitting at the table with them, asking them to keep reading, you need to do that through your writing.

For example - here you are starting off pedestrian-slow, working towards your point. That isn't going to capture anyone. Figure you have maybe 2-3 paragraphs to catch their attention and hold them. Pick a defining moment, one that shows your love or fear or whatever your point is and make it first. That's your hook.

For example, the famous "Treasure Island" would have flopped if we'd just followed Jim around his town while he slowly got ready to sail into mortal danger. But the story starts with a mysterious stranger coming into his mother's inn, a character with backstory, the smell of the sea, all that. Foreshadowing abounds. Now I care. And suddenly I'm in the story, wanting more.

I'm trying not to discourage you. Image you are leaving this story on a park bench, and then hiding across the street. Someone sits on the bench, sees it, picks it up. Are they going to read it all the way through?

Hope this helps.

Forgewright

05 Apr 2020 22:00

This is an easy read and keeps the reader's attention. It made me think there would be a lot of friction coming with all the controversial subjects. So much could happen. I was thinking this or that will happen at every turn.

I'd like to hear the thoughts of the main character as he shares his interactions. It reads like a journal or diary but without the juicy judgments a person would make about people. It would give you the chance to share the character's background and show the kind of person he is. Just a thought/my opinion. (I have no published books) Does he never think, "That is wrong." Did he find something funny? Why is he so agreeable. He doesn't care? He is shy or scared? What made him that way?

Not my kind of reading material but I have a limited number of genres. Well, one really. Medieval fantasy. If I'm going to read a book, it better have nothing to do with modern times. I read to escape what the world is like now.

Thanks for sharing!

jmnevil54

22 Apr 2020 03:55 (edited)

Now here's what I have so far.
Something I love my Uncle.
Because I love my Uncle
I love my Uncle Because
I love my uncle, so I wrote a book about us.
Parte 1
Chapitre 1

This book contains controversial content. The following contains subject matter such as abusive themes and abuse, misery, and melancholy elements, and due to its content it should not be viewed by victims of abuse or people that can't handle those sorts of subjects. Special consideration should be given to sexual abuse, as it is particularly exceptional. Reader discretion is advised.
First person
My name is Johnathon Smith. I am 25, and married to my wife, Catherine, with one little baby girl named Michelle.
My uncle is named James. He is 44 years old. He has been doing fine, and he has been married to Adrian, a 32 year old man he’s loves dearly.
Ten years ago, I was 15 years old. School had just got done, and I was greatly relieved! No more homework! No more bullies! No more peer pressure! And in addition to that...
I would be moving closer to my uncle.
Summer went quickly. I enjoyed the time I had, but we were constantly preparing to move, and summer moved very fast. We moved everything, the TV, the couch, the dishes, everything. It took two days. Then, we finally set off in the car. I watched the scenery out the window the entire time. We were just moving from Fort Wayne to Indianapolis, it took 2-3 hours.
A few days pass.
My mom was set on going to church first. Mom and I went to a few of them, and we settled on a Wesleyan church. The old church we went to was Wesleyan, so we fit right in. (Cut) The church we tried out first was a non-denominational church.
I tried the Youth Group there, my mom said I should at least go there to meet new people, and to be with God. It was somewhat awkward. There were tables to sit at but there were so many kids I haven't seen before. But after a while, there was this one girl who let me sit with her. I asked her what her name was; her name was Rochelle. She was nice, and beautiful too. The church message was nice; it was on the ascension of Jesus. Rochelle was asking questions and answering questions during the message. When that ended, she asked to play table soccer with me. We played table soccer until the end. Then my mom picked me up, and that was that.
Next was the first day of school. The alarm went off. I was still half asleep, so it took a while for me to lift myself up, and turn the alarm off. I brushed my teeth, got dressed, and did the usual bathroom things, then I ate breakfast.
After I ate, I asked mom where my stuff was.
"Mom, where is my notebook!?"
"You didn't get it? It should still be in the Wal-Mart bag!"
I got that.
"Mom, where is my-?!"
"In the bag! It should still be there too!"
"Never mind, I found it!"
Once I got everything, my mom drove me to school.
Nothing special happened. I stayed away from everyone, and they stayed away from me. I said a few things to others, like "Yes, you can borrow some paper," etc. I didn’t get any friends.
These were my classes that semester.
English
Sex Ed
Algebra
Debate
Lunch
Study Hall
Introduction to Art
Physical Education
Dramatic Literature
This is how my first day went.
“Welcome to 10th grade English. I’m Ms. Matilda Blackburn.” Nothing special happened in English.
“Welcome to Sex Ed. I’m Mr. Henry Nelson.” Somebody wrote “Mr. Henry Nelson is a clitoris.” on the black board. “No, I’m not a clitoris. A clitoris is the main sensitive area of the female reproductive system. I take that as a compliment, though. I am quite sensitive too. Now, the next time that happens, with something that offends me or anyone else, I will send you to the principal.” After that, he passed out the class rules, and everything was normal afterwards.
“Welcome to Algebra. I’m Mrs. Ellen Beck.” Nothing special happened in Algebra.
“Welcome to Debate Class. I’m Mr. Allan Harmon. To debate is an art – a practical art. To debate- it’s a discussion, as of a public question in an assembly, involving opposing viewpoints (online footnote). It is needed for peace, growth, and stability of the mind. Each year, I hold a special “Hazing Debate,” a debate where we’ll debate the most taboo subjects. Any subject at all, as long as it’s school appropriate. Alright, we’ll put it to a vote! What should we pick? I put my hand up. “I’d like to do homosexuality, please.”
“Alright, homosexuality.” He puts it up on the board. “What else?”
Another teenager puts his hand up “I’d like to do Hitler was right.”
Another teenager puts her hand up at the same time. “I’d like to do Abortion.”
“Alright, Hitler was right, and Abortion. What else?”
Another teenager puts his hand up. “I’d like to do popular topic, if it’s possible.”
“Alright, popular topic. What else?”
Five more popular topics.
The coronavirus was a mistake.
Bob and Larry need to be gay.
Three more topics.
“Alright. What else?”
Nobody lifted their hand up.
“Alright, nine is enough. Let’s get voting, then.”
We vote.
Homosexuality-11
Hitler was right- 4
Abortion- 2
Popular topic- 1
“Okay, Homosexuality has 11, Hitler was right has 4, Abortion has 2, and popular topic has 1. Now,” He starts writing on the board. Who will be for Homosexuality, and who will be against it?”
One teenager spoke up “I don’t know.”
Another teenager spoke “It seems rude. It’s people’s personal business, after all.
Harry speaks up. “I hate people who hate homosexuality. Why are we debating it? There’s nothing in the bible that actually talks about homosexuality anyway.”
I spoke up “No, there are 15 references to homosexuality in the bible.”
He gets up and makes a fist. “NO, there aren’t! You don’t think that homosexuality is a sin, do you!?”
“NO!” Mr. Allan Harmon jumps up. “Sit down! I’m sure there’s a logical reason why he feels the way he does, like his family, or maybe he’s gay.” He looks at me. “Do you have family that believes this way?”
I spoke “Yes.”
“And I’m sure he is sorry this all happened. Say you’re sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
At this, Harry calmed down. “Alright, he’s safe for now.”
“Okay. Now, let’s pick a different topic. How about Hitler was right?”
After this, class returned to normal. I forgot what happened afterwards or what was said, I just remembered the only fight we had was for homosexuality.”
After class/debate class writing.
I go to meet Mr. Harmon after class.
“What is it, Johnathan?” asked Mr. Harmon.
“I’m sorry about that whole incident.” I said.
“It’s alright. I’m just glad you’re safe.” He said.
I paused. I needed to breath, I was nervous. “I want to know about homosexuality.”
“What about homosexuality? Do you mean Gay Culture? Do you mean about the act? Are you gay and have questions? What about it?”
“What is homosexuality, exactly?”
“Oh. First, I’d look it up in a dictionary. Have you looked it up in a dictionary yet?”
“No.”
“Okay. Are you sure we have enough time? Don’t you have another class to get to?”
“Yeah, I do. I have lunch next, and it’s the first day of school, so I don’t need to go back to my locker.”
“Alright. We’ll look it up in a dictionary.” He pulls a dictionary out.
“Homosexuality-being sexually attracted, romantically attracted, or showing sexual behavior of the same sex, rather than the opposite sex.” He began. “There. You have your answer.”
“Okay. Can you look up homosexual itself, now?”
“Fine. Good enough.” He said. “Homosexual-a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex.”
“Look up heterosexual now.”
“Fine. Heterosexual-a person who is sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex.”
“Look up bisexual now.”
“Fine. Bisexual-a person sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender.”
“That’s good enough.”
“Okay. So you’re done?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Hurry on, you have lunch to get to.”
I go to lunch. I walk past a guy talking to his many friends, in the hallways. At lunch, I see the teenage in the baseball cap, along with his friends. I decide to sit on the opposite side. I sit with some people I decided look nice enough.”
“Welcome to study hall. I’m Mr. Ross Briggs.” I was in the Physics and advanced mathematics room. Nothing special happened in Study Hall.
“Welcome to Introduction to Art. I’m Mrs. Stephanie Samson.”
“Welcome to Physical Education. I’m Mr. Bob Briggs.”
We just went over the rules in Physical Education. Afterwards, we voted on what we would play next. Dodgeball was voted. The teenager with the baseball cap, who took their baseball cap off, was there. He picked the teams along with someone else. I was picked for the opposite team. His friends were picked for his team. It ended up 2 to 5, I was left in. Him and his friends decided to trash talk me.
The tallest of them spoke “Is this the homophobe who thought homosexuality was a sin? That’s horrible!”
“Yes.” said the one without the baseball cap.
“Jesus Christ. Look at him! He’s not a good looker, is he? His face is round and childish, and in a bad, bad way. The guy needs to grow up!”
One with spiky black hair spoke. “Yeah, he definitely is not a looker!”
“Hit him in the face!” said the one without the baseball cap.
“Okay, I will!” He said.
I tried to dodge, but it was too late. Bulls-eye! I was hit in the face, and I ended up with a nose-bleed. I tried to stop the bleeding, but some of it dripped on the floor.
“That is not fair play!” said Mr. Briggs. “He was hit in the face, so he’s not out!”
“Can I go to the nurses’ office?”
“Are you bleeding?”
I suppose it wasn’t that visible from the angle. “Yes.”
“Okay. Go ahead.”
I spent a good 15 minutes in the nurse’s office, and was late for Dramatic Literature.
“Hello. This is Dramatic Literature. Are you lost?”
“No. I was just in the nurses’ office. I had a nose-bleed.”
“Oh. I hope you get better.”
Nothing else happened in Dramatic Literature.
I went home from school.
That was the end of the day.
Second Day of School
This one girl talks to me in Algebra. She sat with me at lunch, and she flirted with me.
After school 6:00 or 7:00 p.m., Uncle James' car drives up. I go out of my room and looks at mom. Uncle James knocks on the door.
Mom gets up and opens the door.

"Hello! How've you been?"

"Fine." says mom.

"Good. Johnny..." He said "How are you."

"Fine."

"Good. Good."

He walks in.

My uncle James turns and says to my mom "So, how's work going?"

"Good. Everything is good."

"Good.”
James looks at me. "So how about I show you where I live someday?" He paused "But I will need to make copies of my keys first, both sets... So it might take a few days."

"That's fine."

James smiled "Great! What type of food so you like? I will need to know if you'll be coming over. I don't
have much food with me, and it's probably not to your taste."

"Um... I don't know. I'm not picky. I can eat anything. "

"Oh, well... I'll just go shopping with you and let you pick out what you want. Does that sound fine?"

"Fine."

James speaks "Why don't we sit down?"

"Sure."

We sit down.

I speak. "So how is your work going, James?"

"Good. It's going good. I'm so glad you asked! I have a few new ideas for new plays, and I started to work on one of them!"

"That's good."

*silence

"So, Johnny, how was school? Did you like it?"

"School was fine. I liked it."

"Good, good. Did you make any friends?"

"No, I haven't met not anyone I'd call a friend yet. "

"That's okay. There's still time."

*silence

"So, Johnny, do you want to visit my house? I have a large mansion that I think you'd love."

"That sounds cool."

"Okay."

*silence

"I have homework to do. I need to go."

"Go ahead."

"Okay, I'll see you later."

"James, why don't we watch TV?"

"Sure. I'm okay with it."

They watch TV. I get homework done.

I was a 5 year old child. I was just getting ready for bed. My uncle was telling me a bedtime story.
“Are you ready for bed? You got your water, and you went to the bathroom, right?”
“Yes!”
“Alright, time for a bedtime story then. Once upon a time, there was a giant boar named El Jabalí Gigantesco. It terrorized several villages, and it ate people! One warrior was chosen by the queen to kill the beast. He was the best in his training regimen. The man fought valiantly against the beast, and the beast bit off his arm! The man ran away from the best as quickly as possible. When he returned, the people were furious. They didn’t see a man without an arm, they saw a man with one good arm. The people called him a coward. The people called for the man’s death, as was the law for cowards. The queen saw the man was without an arm, and was gracious. She banished him from the country. The End.”
“Was that it? What happened to the boar?”
“Oh, another man came along and slayed the beast. But that story is for another day.”
“Why did the man get banished? That’s not fair! He lost an arm!”
“I know. Life isn’t fair for everyone. The people thought he was a coward, and looking for someone to blame for the deaths that were happening. In banishing him, the queen was protecting him. Even if it was not fair. Now, do you know what the meaning of the story is?”
“People can be mean?”
“Yes, that is the meaning of the story. The story also means have honor in defeat. The man was an honorable man. He had shame, and he had pride too, but he was wise. Wisdom triumphs both shame and pride. The best thing to do in that situation was to accept his banishment, and move on with his life.”
“That’s not a very good story, unky.”
“I know. Now, it’s time for sleep. Good night.”
“Good night.”

This topic is now closed. Topics are closed after 60 days of inactivity.

Need Advice On My Writing

Connect

Products

Resources

Support