It hurts.
[[Scream.]]
[[Cry.]]
[[I'm used to it.]]
[[Pass out.]]
(set:$numbercheck to false)
(set:$placecheck to false)
Your throat is thick with textures. A crackle comes out.
[[You're dehydrated.->it hurts]]
It hurts more. Your eyes struggle to find the moisture.
[[Very dehydrated.->You're dehydrated.]]
I'm a fever dream, not a nightmare. Don't look at me like that. Make up your mind. Eyes [[open]], or [[closed]]?
Unnaturally dehydrated. Something's happened. But the pain is [[too much->it hurts]].
You have to fight this. You are human, and that gnaws at you until you break away from the black lake of your eyelids and [[into the pain]].
There's a lake beyond your eyelids. If you keep your eyes [[closed->stay]] for long enough, you can swim to it. You won't ever need to come [[back->Pass out.]].
ending 0: let it happen
[[feel the pain again?->it hurts]]
water all over your body, and not sinking into your clothes from the inside like sweat. it soaks in from the outside. icy skin. the broken weals don't sting. the water isn't real. none of it is real. but everything feels better. you could [[keep swimming]], or [[open your eyes]].
you swim into your closed eyes and [[beyond->back]].
oh god [[it hurts]]
your university bedroom. outside is [[black]]. you can sense every crack in your [[throat]].
you adjust to the low light of a regulation bulb. the light fittings are smooth and curved. there is nothing to [[tie yourself to]].
you're sprawled on your [[bed]]. across the room is your [[desk]], maybe five metres away. you can't remember and [[it keeps changing.]]
(set: $eyes to "dots")
(text-style: "blur")[you can see $eyes.]
No stars up, near or far. No streetlights. The smell of kebabs still comes through the crack of your open window, but the shops [[don't exist->into the pain]].
however will you speak in classes now? a perverse giggle forms in your chest, never to be [[released->into the pain]].
not that you would ever do [[that.->into the pain]]
your bed. your comfy, homely bed. University-supplied mattress, frame, and pillow, with plain turquoise sheets you only use away from home. a [[soft toy]].
and your [[bedside table.]]
across the [[room->into the pain]], your [[desk]]. by the bed, your [[window]].
your adventure time [[calendar]] hangs on the cream wall, lightly scuffed by the [[mementos]] of previous students.
there's a [[sign]] up on the noticeboard and a [[phone]] on the desk.
(set: $eyes to "zigzags")
(text-style: "fade-in-out")[you can see $eyes.]
behind you, your [[bed]], [[window]], and the rest of your [[room->into the pain]].
your liver is pixellated and your vision is grey at the [[edges.->into the pain]]
you never put any up yourself. it doesn't matter [[now.->desk]]
every day this week has been circled, each circle crossed out with a jagged line. Tonight, though, the circle is [[pure]].
tonight was [[the night->desk]].
Fire exits. Banned electrical items. Important phone numbers. Dial 55 for numbers outside the [[university->desk]] network.
(set:$numbercheck to true)
[[Dial 911]].
(if:$numbercheck or $placecheck)[
$numbercheck [[Dial 55 911.]]
$placecheck [[Dial 55 999.->thank you.]] ]
(set:$placecheck to true)
an American voice answers.
You're not in America.
You could [[hang up]], or [[ask to be put through]] to your own country.
(set:$eyes to "swirls and zigzags")
[[it's for the best.->desk]]
how can they help you?
[[you're in the uk.]]
a pink cat. childhood favourite. [[you love her->bed]].
covered in empty packets of [[paracetemol]] and [[fluoxetine]].
your eyes won't focus to read the packet, but you know it exists to kill pain and that in [[large enough doses]] it does it [[permanently]].
designed to [make you happy]<cl1|. it did its level [[best->bed]].
(click-replace: ?cl1)[prolong you]
you looked it up and took twice the amount it should take. you think. you could count, but your eyes are drawn away from effort and back to your [[bedside table.]]
(set: $eyes to "swirls") there is nothing outside it. the drop is a million miles. there is no street. no university.
(text-style: "blur")[you can see $eyes.]
[[jump]]
[[turn away->bed]]
they'll put you through.
[[thank you.]]
emergency services. please state the nature of your emergency.
[[hang up->hang up2]].
[[i think i took an overdose.]]
(set: $eyes to "swirls, dots, and zigzags")
where are you, sweetie?
[[college building b11.]]
can you tell me what you took?
[[giggle]]
[[x of fluoxetine. x of paracetemol.]]
you begin to giggle hysterically.
[[hello?->college building b11.]]
you don't hate your antidepressants and you don't blame them. they were just there for you to take tonight, and every little helps.
[[hello? can you hear me?]]
[[just hang on.]]
there are words in the space in front of you.
(text-style: "shudder")[a knock on your door] comes from a different physical plane.
[[answer]]
[[don't answer]]
they take you. you [[rest.]]
knocking louder.
around you, your [[bed->bb]], [[window->window2]], [[desk->d]].
[[open the door->answer]].
[[never->end3]]
[[bye bye, blue bed.->don't answer]]
[[Danke, desk.->don't answer]]
you open the window. the breeze screams in your face. you like to think you jumped, but gravity did all of the work.
[[end->end1]]
there is nothing outside it. the drop is a million miles. there is no street. no university.
(text-style: "blurrier")[you can see $eyes.]
[[jump->jump2]]
[[turn away->don't answer]]
(text-style: "shudder")[you can see $eyes.] a knocking door is your own door, your door is being knocked, they are knocking
[[answer]]
[[don't answer]]
[[I know.->it hurts]]
no more staring at the [[bedside table->bedside table.]]
nothing happens. perhaps the world has stopped existing outside your window. you would thought death would start from the inside out, not the outside in.
[[interesting.->desk]]
in your dazed state, you ended your life.
Ending 1: Let go
[[feel the pain again?->it hurts]]
They kick it down and scoop you up. Their hands feel like pure energy, barely touching you.
Ending 3: Active indecision
[[experience the pain again?->it hurts]]
Hands so soft you can't feel them.
Ending 2: Passive Indecision
[[experience the pain again?->it hurts]]
in your dazed state, you ended your life.
Ending 4: Never again
[[feel the pain again?->it hurts]]