You sprint away as fast as you can, and manage to escape the bear thanks to stunning it momentarily. You look around, and realise you're in [[the clearing|forestclearingwine]] you saw earlier.
It is a standard 75cl bottle. The front label says "In Vino Veritas. Vina Eguia. La verdad y nada mas que la verdad. Roja, Denominacion de Origen Calificada. Reserva 2010. Eguia, en su origen "egia" significa la verdad. Verdad es la palabra quue define la esencia de nuestro trabajo, hecho con honestidad, respeto y rigor. La verdad de un gran vino." The back label says "Made from selected Tempranillo grapes from our best vineyards. After a temperature controlled [[you know what I don't actually care that much|inspectwineforest]] fermentation, 24 months ageing in American and French oak barrels and a final process of bottle maturation in our cellars, we attain this fine and balanced wine. Bright cherry red in colour. Displays a deep complexity of ripe red fruits, spices, tobacco and liquorice very well balanced. Warm, complex, powerful and elegant in the palate with a long and velevety aftertaste. Ideal to serve with all types of meat dishes, stews, and matured cheese. The abv is 13.5%, making the bottle 10.1 UK units. There is a warning that the wine contains sulphites.
You smash the bottle on the rocky cliff, and glass falls to the floor. The frozen wine remains intact. \n\n[[Try to warm up the wine|warmwine]]\n[[Eat the wine|eatwine]]\n[[Eat the glass|eatglass]]\n
You bite down on the wine block. It's actually quite nice, because it turns out it's a white wine. However, ingesting the ice drastically lowers your core body temperature, and the alcohol causes vasodilation. This means the heat in your body vanishes, and you quickly succumb to hypothermia. Was it worth it? Not really, it was only a '12. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You swing the broken end of the bottle into the bear's face. It stumbles backwards and roars in pain.\n\n[[Stab it again|bottlebear2]]\n[[Run away|runbearsuccess]]
You know the question.\n\n[[WINE|wine]]\n\n[[CHEESE|cheese]]\n\n\n[[About the authour|about]]\n[[Praise for The Wine or Cheese Unlicensed Video Game|praise]]
You crunch down on the shards. They slice your mouth to ribbons, carving up your gums so badly your teeth fall out. You try to swallow, the with bloodied strips of what used to be your tounge. Your throat is ripped, stripped and flagellated, eventually resembling pastrami. I mean really, what the fuck did you think would happen?\n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You flick your tounge as hard as you can, sending the bottle swinging straight into your forehead and knocking you out... cold. Hey, see what I did there? Anyway you die of hypothermia while unconcious. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
The bottle is covered in snow and frost, and the label has peeled off. There is no cork, but the wine inside has frozen solid. \n\n[[Smash the bottle|smashbottlemountain]]\n[[Try to lick the wine inside|lickfrozenwine]]
You grab the bear in a bear hug. In return, it gives you a real bear hug. Your ribs are crushed, your lungs are puncutured, and your bowels evacuated. You are dead. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You use a stick to push the cork into the wine bottle. Success! As you drink, you realise that the wine tastes awful because of the rotten cork. You're so upset that you actually die of dissapointment. That, and the lump of cork lodged in your airway.\n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You rub the hot shit all over yourself, moaning slightly as you do. Do the moaning IRL, out loud. Come on. I don't care if you're in public or not. Anyway you're so massively aroused that all of the blood in your body rushes to your genitals, causing them to explode, and you bleed out. This is the best way to die.\n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You lie down and sunbathe in the warm sun. You don't know how long you're asleep, but you wake up itching. It turns out you slept on an ants nest, and now they're swarming over you. You know the crap Indiana Jones movie, with the aliens? You're like that guy who got eaten by ants. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You launch into an inspiring speech about the nature of man and beast. You talk at length about how all wildlife and humanity must co-exist peacefully if they are to thrive. That bears and humans must have a mutual respect of each other, forgiving accidental misdemeanours for the good of the two species and indeed the earth as a whole. It's a masterclass in orating, and it was very rude of the bear to swipe your jugular out halfway through.\n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You smash the bottle against the ground, and wine spills everywhere. Good job. The sound and smell attracts a bear from behind you.\n\n[[Run away|runbear]]\n[[Curl up and play dead|deadbear]]\n[[Attack it with the broken bottle|bottlebear]]
You wake up in a snowdrift on the side of a snow-covered mountain. Below you lie rolling clouds. Above you is a rocky cliff edge. \n\n[[Inspect wine|inspectwinemountain]]\n[[Climb the cliff|cliffwine]]\n[[Head down the slope|slopewine]]
Wine or Cheese?
You awaken in a thick evergreen forest. In your hand is a bottle of wine. In front of you is a grassy clearing. Behind you is a rock with a cave in it.\n\n[[Inpect wine|inspectwineforest]]\n[[Go to the clearing|forestclearingwine]]\n[[Go into the cave|forestcavewine]] \n\n
You hold the wine in your hands, waiting for it to melt. But it just doesn't seem to be melting, your hands are just getting colder and colder. That's called thermodynamics, and it's why you now have horrible frostbite and your fingers are falling off. \n\n[[Pick up my fingers|grabfingers]]\n[[Eat my fingers|eatfingers]]
You try to use your arms to pick up your stumps, but once again you get frostbite and your arms fall off. What a shocker. \n\n[[Pick up my arms|grabarms]]\n[[Jump like a human spear down the mountain|jumpspear]]
You try to pull the cork out, but the top half rips off and the bottom half stays stuck in the bottle neck.\n\n[[Smash the bottle|smashwineforest]]\n[[Push the cork into the bottle|pushcorkforest]]
You stick your tounge into the bottleneck, and your tounge immidiately gets frozen to the inside and completely stuck. You now have a bottle hanging on the end of your tounge. What will you do now?\n\n[[Pull it off with my hands|pulltounge]]\n[[Flick it off with my tounge|flicktounge]]
You try to pick up your fingers, but without fingers all you doing is pushing your stumps into the snow. And then your stumps get frostbite and fall off too. \n\n[[Pick up my stumps|grabstumps]]\n[[If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands|clapstumps]]
You curl into the foetal position and play dead on the ground. If this was a grizzly bear defending her cubs, this might have worked. Unfortunately for you, this is a pissed off black bear. It bites you by the neck, killing you instantly. It then dances you around like a puppet for a few munites before it gets bored. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
This is a fan project by reddit shitposter /u/naraic42, amateur prick-in-training. It was inspired by Alex Smith of the YouTube channel Hat Films, who in their Cornerstone series made an offhand joke. This for some reason turned into a global phenomenon, and in true spirit of the original, this game is casually made, low polish, and generally a bit shit. It's made in Twine, which is usually for smug novellas that art students write like they're Edgar Allen fucking Poe. I'm using it becuase I am not good at computer, and it's piss easy to use. Enjoy!\n\n[[back|Start]]
You grab handfuls of berries and shovel them into your mouth. Almost immediately hot liquid shit sprays out of your butthole.\n\n[[Cup my hands and catch the shit|cupshit]]\n[[Use the shit to propel myself into the sky|flyshit]]
You try to run away from the bear. Unfortunately for you, bears can run at 30mph, and you're the only target. The bear jumps on you and pulls out your spine. It later uses it for flossing. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
Just wondering. Anyway, fingers are food, right? Well not really, they're pretty much just some bone and tendon. You chow down, and shards of bone peforate your gullet while tendons drag them down. You choke to death on your own blood.\n\n[[Try again|Start]]
It turns out there's a reason for the phrase "eat shit" being considered an insult. The massive bacterial infection actually rots your brain from the inside out almost instantly.\n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You hurl yourself down the mountain, legs together, like a majestic human javelin. The effect is ruined when you hit a solid sheet of ice and break your neck, crumpling like a sack of soft shit. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
I mean, can't you tell where this is going by now? Can you not recognise a pattern? You try to pick up your arms with your mouth, but your head gets frostbite and falls off. I'll be honest, you had that one coming. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
You squat down and angle yourself for flight. Squatting causes your anus to prolapse violently, and you shit out all of your intestines into a big pile. This is the worst way to die. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
The clearing is reasonably large, and has a bush in the middle covered in berries. Thick green grass flourishes in the open sun.\n[[Eat the berries|eatberries]]\n[[Sunbathe|sunbatheforestwine]]
You pull as hard as you can, and eventually the bottle rips off. Hooray! It did however take half of your tounge with it, and you bleed everywhere like the girl from The Excorsist. Or was it vomit she sprayed? You know I really can't remember. In fact, by the time I remember you've bled to death. My bad. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]\n
You cup your hands, and the shit flies into them and sprays everywhere, but you manage to keep a bit in your hands.\n\n[[Eat the shit|eatshitforest]]\n[[Rub it all over myself|rubshit]]
You try to clap. However, you are neither happy nor do you have hands. This violates the two fundamental rules of If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands, and therefore two of the fundamental rules of the universe. The entirety of existence implodes, with you at the centre. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
It's a dull, old looking bottle. The cork is discoloured and cracked. \n\n[[Read the label|readlabelforest]]\n[[Pull the cork out|corkwineforest]]\n[[Smash the bottle|smashwineforest]]
PRAISE FOR THE WINE OR CHEESE UNLICENCED VIDEO GAME\n\n"That's your uni work? What kind of program is that?" - my mum\n"10/10 better than Telltale and thier fucking Minecraft bullshit lol" - me\n"I'm not sure if you're joking or not but there's no way I can access a webpage that you have saved locally on your computer" - /u/TNDast, alpha tester\n\n[[back|Start]]
You swing again at the bear, but this time it bites your arm and tears it off. Now it's beating you to death with your arm. Wow, you really pissed it off. Now it's... oh. Oh god, that's disgusting. Well, you have your arm back, but it's not where it should be. Honestly I'm amazed it could fit in there. \n\n[[Try again|Start]]
Written by /u/naraic42\nInspired by Alex Smith
You start walking into the cave, when out of the darkness walks a huge bear. \n\n[[Run away|runbear]]\n[[Try to reason with it|reasonbear]]\n[[Give it a bear hug|bearhug]]
By the way, is eating yourself cannibalism? \n\n[[Probably|eatfingers2]]\n[[Not really|eatfingers2]]
Where do you want to start?\n\n[[Forest|forestwine]]\n[[Mountains|mountainwine]]\n[[Island|islandwine]]\n[[Desert|desertwine]]