I actually totally disagree with Father; this is a good length for a quick game.
But maybe a bit less writing could of made this better; even though the writing here was very well paced, the length of your passages could be a little smaller, just so you can go on with the game quicker.
Another thing you could think about including in the future is pictures. Adds some better visual of the story. Otherwise, this would be one of my favourites. Well one, ejm29.