Alright, pal? I was looking for you earlier. Where were you?
[[- I've been at work.]]
[[- I've been at home.]]
[[- Having lunch with Roxy.]]Whisky wanker.
Just in time, too. It's your round. I'll have a pint of 1984.
[[- But you offered me a drink!]]
[[- Do you mean 1664?]]
Craft wanker.
Just in time. It's your round. I'll have a pint of 1984.
[[- But you offered me a drink!]]
[[- Do you mean 1664?]]
Wine wanker.
Just in time. It's your round. I'll take a pint of 1984.
[[- Do you mean 1664?]]
[[- But you offered me a drink!]]
Thanks very much. I'll have a Strongbow Dark Fruit with a bison grass vodka shot. Two of my five a day.
Very nice of you. Cheers.
[[- But you offered me a drink!]]
[[- How can you drink that stuff?]]
Work? On a weekday? Is that why you're dressed like a fucking undertaker?
It's alright for you. I've been sat in a freezing bookies all day.
Anyway, first things first, what are you drinking?
[[- I'll just have a sparkling water.]]
[[- I don't mind. Whatever you're having.]]
[[- A Scotch and soda, please.]]
[[- A hoppy IPA or anything golden.]]
[[- A glass of merlot, please.]]
Ah, pulling yourself off to *A Place in the Sun*, again?
That Jasmine's vegan, you know. They say vegans are emaciated but she's a strapping lass, isn't she? Nice hair and all. Lovely sheen.
What you drinking?
[[- A Scotch and soda, please.]]
[[- A hoppy IPA or anything golden.]]
[[- A glass of merlot, please.]]
[[- I'll just have a sparkling water.]]
[[- I don't mind. Whatever you're having.]]
**END OF GAME**
The concept of debt sits uneasily in Half-life's sense of self.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]I said steak and kiddley, diddle I?
[[- I've eaten, thanks.]]
I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about me. You can order your own, you cheeky get.
[[- So why were you looking for me?]]
[[- Have you got that two thousand pounds you owe me?]]You know, Mong Martin. But Roxy says we can't say that no more.
It's PC World gone mad.
[[- What gear?]]What are you, some sort of history cunt?
I'm trying to enjoy myself here.
[[- So why were you looking for me?]]I'll ask you one more time, what are you drinking?
[[- No, honestly, I'm having a couple of days off the sauce. Doctor's orders.]]
[[- A Scotch and soda, please.]]
[[- A hoppy IPA or anything golden.]]
[[- A glass of merlot, please.]]
[[- I don't mind. Whatever you're having.]]No need to cry about it. Just put on your big boy trousers and buy a fucking round for once in your life.
And the steak and kiddley puds are on 2-4-1, by the way.
[[- Do you mean steak and "kidney"?]]
[[- Have you got that two thousand pounds you owe me?]]I got that gear you wanted. I gave it to Strange Martin. You owe me 50 quid.
[[- Who’s Strange Martin?]]
[[- What gear?]]
[[- Have you got that two thousand pounds you owe me?]]Two £20 bags of mersh.
[[- I didn't ask for any gear.]]
[[- Brilliant. Thanks, mate.]]
Course you did. Fifty quid you owe me.
[[- OK, thanks. I think.]]
[[- Cheers! So, where is Martin?]]
[[- How come two £20 bags comes to £50?]]All part of the service.
The customer is a vital part of any business. Look after them, and the business will look after itself.
Cheers!
[[- Cheers! So, where is Martin?]]All part of the service. The customer is a vital part of any business. Look after them, and the business will look after itself.
Cheers!
[[- Cheers! So, where is Martin?]]Martin?
You just missed him. He's fucked off to a meditation retreat in Devon for a week. No booze, no talking, lots of stretching. That sort of thing. Sounds fucking awful.
At least he'll have your draw, though, eh?
[[- Yes, that's something.]]
[[- What? How does that work? Stuff your 50 quid.]]It's called commerce. It's called service. It's called making a fucking living.
That's the real world, pal, and if you don't like it I know some people who can make it stop for you. Permanently.
[[- Have you got that two thousand pounds you owe me?]]Bollocks.
Angel, get this man a pint of Strongbow Dark Fruit and a vanilla vodka shot. And I'll have the same. He's paying.
I went to the doctor last week, as it happens.
[[- Yeah?]]Becasue I'm not a drinks snob, like you, pissing out organic ale and fruit wine, like it's gonna save the world.
Nothing's gonna save the world, we're all fucked. So just drink what comes out of the tap and forget about wearing plastic shoes.
[[- My shoes aren't plastic!]]You could have fooled me. Look at them. That's the sort of thing that ends up floating in the sea choking the fish and upsetting whales.
Even the salt is now basically plastic and every time we eat it we risk deep-level organ trauma or cancer of the cock.
That's what you should be worried about. Not fucking cider and black.
Did I tell you I was at the doctor the other day?
I shat liquid for a week.
He only got the gloves out and started poking around in me aris, the filthy bastard.
[[- Dare I ask how that went?]]
[[- Barman, may I have a drink. Quite urgently, please.]] So do you fancy a dab of molly, in the meantime?
[[- Molly?]]
[[- Are you insane? You're totally out of control, you lanky freak of nature.]]
[[- It's 5-o-clock in the afternoon.]]Attaboy. That's more like it.
Shall we have a couple of those steak and kiddley puds, too? They're on the 2-4-1.
[[- I've eaten, thanks.]]
[[- Do you mean steak and "kidney"?]]
Yeah.
I said, "Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, and sometimes I think I'm a teepee."
[[- Oh, yeah. What did he say?]]
[[- Too tense?|- Oh, yeah. What did he say?]]Said it's a brain tumour.
Mind you, I was in for real last week. After I had that month of the squits, remember?
[[- I'd rather not.]]
Well, up goes the finger and he gives it a little waggle about and then asks me if I have anal sex.
[[- What did you say?]]
Only when she's drunk.
Anyway, he starts banging on about diet and booze and all that.
"How do you feel if you go a day without drinking?" he says.
"How the fuck would I know?" I said.
Anyway, cheers!
[[- To be fair, you're the only person I know who gets a Christmas card from his off-licence.]]
[[- So why were you looking for me?]]
Hussein?
Oh, he's a fucking diamond. Doesn't touch a drop himself, you know?
[[- Because of his religion?]]No, 'cos of the beta blockers.
He was fried on ket for most of the Noughties. Fucked up his ticker.
Last time he took it he tried to climb into a painting and broke his mind. Thought the horses were after him, trying to get their drugs back.
Sad, really.
Talking of which, do you fancy some molly?
[[- Molly?]]
[[- It's 5-o-clock in the afternoon.]]
What are you, the speaking clock?
Might as well get warmed up, the twins are having a do later and one of my exes is putting in an appearance.
[[- Gabriela Sabatini?]]
[[- Grace Jones?]]
[[- Rachel Stevens?]]
[[- That one off Made in Chelsea?]]
[[- The Actress?]]God, no. Haven't seen her for yonks.
Did I tell you about the time she thought toad in the hole was made with real toads?
[[- No.]]
[[- I think you might have done, yes.]]
[[- Only nine times.]]
[[- But you were in prison for most of the '90s.]]That minx? I wish.
I haven't seen her since I drove her 8o miles to get a Pukka Pie. This was in the days when you couldn't get the Pukka down south, so we drove all the way to Grantham in her Audi.
I mean, how was I supposed to know she was vegetarian?
She cheered up when she had few inside her. Christ, she could knock 'em back in those days. S Pub 7, I called her.
Then she was sick in the river.
[[- That's romance.]]Binks?
Lovely girl, but I'm steering well clear of her, to be honest. Ever since she became a fitness fanatic. There was nothing I enjoyed more than sharing a bag of donuts with her at the polo. Happy days.
Not to mention she's got a kid now. And you know my views on children.
[[- Yes, that they're all mad little cunts?]]
[[- Children are our future?]]
[[- Children find everything in nothing; man finds nothing in everything.]]Don't be daft.
We'll never speak again. Not after she embarrassed me in Habitat.
[[- Do you still have her Wimbledon towel?]]
In some ways very smart, but in others a complete ingénue.
When I met her, she'd never seen a cow.
"Look at that funny horse," she said once, when we were on the train to Cardiff.
She was mortified when I told her. So embarrassed.
I was like, don't worry about it. It's not like you tried to milk a horse, love.
Or was that Gwen Stefani?
[[- That's romance.]]
[[- No doubt.]]
In some ways very smart, but in others a complete ingénue.
When I met her, she'd never seen a cow.
"Look at that funny horse," she said once, when we were on the train to Cardiff.
She was mortified when I told her. So embarrassed.
I was like, don't worry about it. It's not like you tried to milk a horse.
Or was that Gwen Stefani?
[[- Gwen Stefani?]]In some ways very smart, but in others a complete ingénue.
When I met her, she'd never seen a cow.
"Look at that funny horse," she said once, when we were on the train to Cardiff.
She was mortified when I told her. So embarrassed.
I was like, don't worry about it, love. It's not like you tried to milk a horse.
Or was that Gwen Stefani?
[[- I'm sorry mate, you've lost me. I haven't a clue what you're on about. Can I go home now?]]
[[- Gwen Stefani?]]How do you know about that?
Yeah, I've got the towel.
You can still smell her arse on it, sometimes.
[[- That's romance.]]Romance is all about accentuating the positives.
Fortunately for me, that comes very easily. It's you I worry about.
Especially with those shoes.
[[- So are you a glass half full man, or a glass half empty?]]
[[- What's wrong with my shoes?]]Yeah, she's gone quiet on me.
Love paralysis, I put it down to.
Either that or the selfies I sent her.
[[- Oh, God...]]Nothing dirty. Unless you consider the human body in its prime to be dirty.
I kept me socks on, at least.
Here, I've got it somewhere...
[[- You're alright.]]
[[- That's romance.]]I didn't even have a lob on. Some people are so fucking sensitive, aren't they?
Right, I'm going for a smoke. Look after this.
[[- Oh, Jesus. What the fuck is that?]]Yes, if you want a future full of piss-stained mattresses and everything smeared in shite.
I used to say to her, "If you want someone who can't walk straight, speak properly or keep his arse shut, you should see me after a three-dayer, babe".
[[- That's romance.]]I see that molly's kicking in.
It's true they can be very optimistic, I suppose, the littl'uns. Until life punches it out of them.
[[- So are you a glass half full man, or a glass half empty?]]**END OF GAME**
You have reminded Half-life of a time he is trying to put behind him. And anyway, it wasn't prison, it was a long-term residency at an "anarchist commune" in North Wales, OK?
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]Eh?
[[- Just a little joke.]]I'll have a pint, please.
Thanks for asking.
Right, I'm going for a smoke. Look after this.
[[- Oh, Jesus. What the fuck is that?]]Put it this way, if you wore shoes like that to a restaurant you'd get shit service.
The waiters would assume you're too skint to tip and treat you like a cunt. And they wouldn't be far wrong, to be fair.
Right, I'm going for a smoke. Look after this.
[[- Oh, Jesus. What the fuck is that?]]Tell me about it. Have you seen the way they stare? Hard as nails.
Right, I'm going for a smoke. Look after this.
[[- Oh, Jesus. What the fuck is that?]]Probably best to leave the jokes to me, mate. We'll all be happier.
Right, I'm going for a smoke. Keep your eye on this.
[[- Oh, Jesus. What the fuck is that?]]That is my dinner.
Got it at the market.
Know what it is?
[[- Is it the flesh of a child?]]
[[- No, and please remove it from my lap.]]I'll give you a clue. What's black and white and eats like a horse?
[[- Fatty Arbuckle?]]It's zebra, man.
All the rage, now. Lean, light and dirt cheap. At least it is when it accidentally ends up in your bag, like.
You want a taste of it? Smells off, but it's basically fine.
[[- No way. That's it. I've got to go, mate. Love to the twins.]]
**END OF GAME**
You have called into question the big man's working practices.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]**END OF GAME**
You have suggested that Half-life is somehow at odds with humanity, as opposed to the other way round.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]**END OF GAME**
You have suggested that Half-life's conversation may not be sufficient to keep your attention.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]I know.
When will they leave me alone?
[[- I'm sorry, mate, this all sounds like bullshit.]]
**END OF GAME**
You have impugned the big feller's integrity.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]It's only a salmon. It's on the turn, that's all. Nothing to wet your knickers about.
You alright? You're looking a bit peaky.
[[- I wonder why?]]
[[- I feel sick. Pass me the molly.]]Fuck you, then. Go back the suburbs and wank into a Pot Noodle.
[[- Nice to see you too.]]
**END OF GAME**
Your unwillingness to try new things has upset Half-life's sense of adventure.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]What's the matter with you? You got the DT's, or summat?
Want a bump of coke and a pitcher of Porn Star Martini? That's what gets me through it. At least until the screaming starts.
[[No, thanks. I have to return to civilisation before I lose my fucking mind.]]Here we go. Good lad.
Plenty more where that came from.
Get me one in and I'll sext the twins for you. Put in a good word, like. God knows you'll need it in that get up.
[[- Angel, get the big feller one in, will you...]]Sod you, then.
And tell your mum I say hello. And that she's got great tits.
[[- Will do.]]
**END OF GAME**
You have suggested Half-life's lifestyle may not be conducive to a healthy mind and you must pay the consequences. And so must your mother.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]**CONGRATULATIONS!**
You have won Half-life's friendship. It may cost you in pints, but you will never again be short of drugs, hooky food or base conversation.
[[PLAY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]Straight away it's kecks down, lean over, gloves on and he's jamming his finger in me aris.
[[- Dare I ask how that went?]]
[[- Barman, may I have a drink. Quite urgently, please.]]Oh, nice.
Thanks for the invite.
Did she say anything about me?
[[- Only to say that if I was coming to meet you she was going home.]]
[[- She says "hi".]]**END OF GAME**
You have hurt Half-life's feelings. To suggest any woman is not hopelessly attracted to him is unacceptable.
**YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION**
[[TRY AGAIN|Enter the pub]]Of course she does. Can't help herself.
None of 'em can.
It's a curse, in some ways.
Remember when I got stuck on the tube with Girls Aloud?
Fuck a duck. The mad bats nearly ate me alive. Talk about Sound of the Underground.
Drink?
[[- I'll just have a sparkling water.]]
[[- I don't mind. Whatever you're having.]]
[[- A Scotch and soda, please.]]
[[- A hoppy IPA or anything golden.]]
Yeah, molly. You know, beans, adamski, ecstasy.
Top batch.
One dab and you're feeling up lamp-posts.
[[- Tempting as that sounds, mate, I think I'll pass.]]
[[- Are you insane? You're totally out of control, you lanky freak of nature.]]Suit yourself.
Bridge night, is it?
[[- Badminton, actually.]]
[[- Table tennis, actually.]]Badminton?
Jesus.
You know what the hardest part about playing badminton is?
[[- Don't tell me, something to do with shuttlecocks?]]
Telling your parents you're gay.
[[- Right. Good one.]]
[[- Little bit homophobic, mate.]]Look, forget the badminton. The twins are having a party tonight and Two Thumbs Tony's bringing his home-made absinthe.
Plus, one of my exes is coming.
[[- Rachel Stevens?]]
[[- The Actress?]]
[[- Gabriela Sabatini?]]
[[- Grace Jones?]]
[[- That one off Made in Chelsea?]]Bollocks, is it.
I'm all for gayers. I've had my moments, too. Some long, lonely nights when I was away, if you get my drift. No problem with the queers.
It's the Mancs I can't stand. Prawns, the lot of 'em.
Name me a Manc and I'll call them a cunt.
[[- Liam Gallagher.]]
[[- Lee Dixon.]]
[[- Morrissey.]]
[[- Mick Hucknall.]]
[[- You mean when you were in prison?|- But you were in prison for most of the '90s.]]
Cunt.
[[- Lee Dixon.]]
[[- Morrissey.]]
[[- Mick Hucknall.]]
Cunt.
[[- Liam Gallagher.]]
[[- Morrissey.]]
[[- Mick Hucknall.]]
Cunt.
[[- Liam Gallagher.]]
[[- Lee Dixon.]]
[[- Mick Hucknall.]]
Cunt.
[[- Liam Gallagher.]]
[[- Lee Dixon.]]
[[- Morrissey.]]
[[- Michelle Keegan.]]
Oh, 'Chelle's alright.
I forgot about her.
You know she never wears grundies? Not when I knew her, anyway.
[[- You know Michelle Keegan?]]'Course I do.
Worked the dodgems with her at Eccles Fair.
[[- I'm sorry, mate, this all sounds like bullshit.]]
[[- Almost unbelievable.|- Right. Good one.]]Table tennis?
Why didn't you say? I would've come along.
England youth, I was.
[[- You played table tennis for England?]]Yeah.
[[- When was this?]]
Couple of years back. In the '90s.
I had a special bat made of leather.
Got thrown off the team for fighting and stamping on the balls.
[[- I'm sorry, mate, this all sounds like bullshit.]]