Where we'll live for nine days

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I remember the house where we'll [[live->searchingrelocationforus]] for nine days. <% $('body').addClass( 'phase1' ); %>

They are searching for a more permanent place to relocate us. They don't want to keep dragging us from one house to another. 'This [[pilgrimage->singleroomflat]] of yours has to end,' said the red-haired woman, holding my hand.

The flat has a big single room with two parts: a kitchen with a dining table, and a bedroom. A counter and an arch separate both parts. There are two windows that don't face the [[street->aplacetohide]] but other houses' backs and courtyards. The bathroom is a separate room, and that's all.

The flat is in a three-story house in the old part of town, in a [[street->neighbours]] that's quiet, crooked and narrow. We don't know this village. They told us the Mediterranean is five minutes away. There are lots of tourists, foreigners. We won't draw a lot of attention but we better stay home until she comes for us again.

The third night we watch a police operation on the [[TV->tv]]. Agents break into a basement followed by the cameras. There are twenty or so people inside who seem from our country. They don't resist. The images are from the first day of the current month, but we don't know where. It could be a different country. We don't understand most of the speech. Husband and I [[fight]] for half an hour over the meaning of one word the reporter said. <% $('body').removeClass('phase1').addClass( 'phase2' ); %>

We catch repetitions of the police images on the [[TV->tv]] a few times: the basement, the frightened men and women, the screams. Their complete meaning still evades us, it leaks through a lot of places. Between the images and the camera. Between the camera and the TV. Between the TV and our eyes. [[Through the crack->memory]] left by every word we can't translate. <% $('body').removeClass('phase2').addClass( 'phase3' ); %>

Husband's [[not here->husbandvanishes2]] when I wake up the morning of the seventh day. <% $('body').removeClass('phase3').addClass( 'phase4' ); %>

It's noon. He hasn't [[returned->husbandvanishes3]] yet.

It's dark again, I have just eaten dinner, and he hasn't come back yet. [[I feel he won't.->fear]]

I turn on the TV and there's the police operation again, with the same date, a few weeks ago. This time husband is in there. The first [[detainee->husbandontv2]] who looks directly at the camera. <% $('body').removeClass('phase4').addClass( 'phase5' ); %>

But he was with me that day (but today he isn't) And I have seen the images many times and husband wasn't there before (but I see him [[now).->husbandontv3]]

He appears again. They arrest him. They make him lean on a wall and search his body. They lead him outside. They make him kneel with his hands behind his head. Weeks ago, [[while he was with me.->memory]]

It's the ninth day. I gather my stuff to [[leave.->leaveintheend]] Come to think of it, I'm not so sure it's the ninth day. We didn't write it anywhere. <% $('body').removeClass('phase5').addClass( 'phase6' ); %>

Husband came in with me. Then he vanished. Then he appeared on the telly, being arrested weeks ago. But he had been with me. [[I'm leaving->leaveintheend]]

I stare at the door. I will have to open it. I will open it. <div style='filter: blur(.2px);'> [[I remember.->irememberend]] </div>

<div style='filter: blur(.6px); font-size: 150%'> [[I will remember.->rememberremember]] </div>

<% $('body').removeClass('day inside night tv outside sea').addClass( 'night' ); %> <div style='font-size:118.244870389202%;opacity:0.666153181024484;position:fixed;top:43%;left:12%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:163.137066878791%;opacity:0.74159060537872;position:fixed;top:-9%;left:49%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:222.912711137402%;opacity:0.822921257141464;position:fixed;top:3%;left:110%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:105.276480004377%;opacity:0.640851081268689;position:fixed;top:-3%;left:36%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:339.854257490162%;opacity:0.947132867596341;position:fixed;top:48%;left:109%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:101.629862133409%;opacity:0.633364593532593;position:fixed;top:94%;left:77%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:278.621881041488%;opacity:0.886444894163177;position:fixed;top:52%;left:77%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:150.369254324961%;opacity:0.72171603014319;position:fixed;top:64%;left:4%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:336.967486855434%;opacity:0.944443544684022;position:fixed;top:84%;left:39%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:149.336323932888%;opacity:0.720059672158405;position:fixed;top:11%;left:-9%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:254.994492973639%;opacity:0.860644114731698;position:fixed;top:2%;left:11%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:111.816609502784%;opacity:0.653855994065035;position:fixed;top:10%;left:39%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:164.474205290121%;opacity:0.743611221866181;position:fixed;top:42%;left:-5%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:91.2303494237538%;opacity:0.610979233036164;position:fixed;top:97%;left:61%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:80.1727915995013%;opacity:0.585224282958071;position:fixed;top:82%;left:52%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:128.089155983418%;opacity:0.684149148675245;position:fixed;top:63%;left:104%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:109.430466644013%;opacity:0.649171462369484;position:fixed;top:19%;left:25%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:94.1915792982132%;opacity:0.61751952775414;position:fixed;top:104%;left:82%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:48.9910754579609%;opacity:0.496614040508626;position:fixed;top:52%;left:0%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:43.5939534867278%;opacity:0.477663535030417;position:fixed;top:10%;left:-10%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:63.0372846081514%;opacity:0.540147663687431;position:fixed;top:80%;left:90%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:75.8326358267524%;opacity:0.574467398004823;position:fixed;top:28%;left:-5%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:95.0547420973189%;opacity:0.619400091974045;position:fixed;top:104%;left:36%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:36.491707857955%;opacity:0.450171571851887;position:fixed;top:-9%;left:74%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:49.0493865614199%;opacity:0.496810992239037;position:fixed;top:102%;left:99%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:110.550399578458%;opacity:0.651378533047249;position:fixed;top:23%;left:92%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:48.5032041919672%;opacity:0.494960049123986;position:fixed;top:104%;left:50%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:82.5136198938344%;opacity:0.590865386903429;position:fixed;top:50%;left:57%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:55.1452686096452%;opacity:0.51659407610764;position:fixed;top:-4%;left:56%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:94.9998475434342%;opacity:0.619280833539541;position:fixed;top:97%;left:65%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:340.797338558749%;opacity:0.948008142914054;position:fixed;top:96%;left:103%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:118.244870389202%;opacity:0.666153181024484;position:fixed;top:103%;left:-2%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:163.137066878791%;opacity:0.74159060537872;position:fixed;top:55%;left:54%;filter: blur(1.6px); text-shadow:0 0 4px black;'>Remember</div> <div style='font-size:222.912711137402%;opacity:0.822921257141464;position:fixed;top:16%;left:95%;filter: blur(1.6px); 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At two in the afternoon the second day I think I hear husband's voice on the [[other side of the wall->noise]], talking to the child. [[It can't be him->fear]]. He doesn't speak that language.

I hear water running in the bathroom. Is husband back? There's [[no one in->fear]], and no water running either.

I hear husband [[behind the wall->noise]] again, talking an [[unknown language->fear]] and laughing.

I left [[home->past]] and now I've lost my independence, my language and my husband. Why did he decide that we had to go? [[Fear->fear]]? Superstition?

In the middle of the night I get up for a pee. In the bathroom I am hit by a [[sudden terror->fear]] of being left alone. I stop breathing and moving, but I can't hear husband's breathing. Fear pierces my head and I run back to the bed, surprised but not too relieved to find husband there. I sink my face in the pillow and cry softly. [[How many nights->memory]] have I been here?

It's a decision: I am [[leaving->fear]] this flat now. Alone. I'm not waiting for the red-haired woman.

Husband's been out for more than a day. He left me here and appeared in the TV and I can't wait for his return. [[I must leave.->fear]]

Now husband is gone, I am completely [[dependant->fear]] on the red-haired woman.

In the early hours of the seventh day I get up from bed, I leave the flat barefoot, go down the stairs and stop by the street door. I hear my husband [[scream->fear]] upstairs. I run back to our flat.

Shadows move on the walls but there's [[no light->dream]] to project them.

At the end, I don't feel I'm the [[same woman->memory]] who entered this house nine days ago.

'I will wear your [[skin.'->dream]]

I switch on the neon [[light]]. I want every wall, surface and corner to be flat. So flat that nothing can [[hide behind->fear]]. No child, no dog, no policeman, no red-haired woman, no husband.

Since I left [[home->past]] and started creeping from one hiding place to another, my mind has become more and more unhinged. Thank God husband doesn't notice. But I have problems measuring time, remembering things I've done, [[keeping tabs->memory]] on myself.

I remember another absurd thing husband said. 'The child is [[crying->noise]] again. It's four in the morning. What's their problem? Why don't we go and [[teach them->barbarouslanguage]] how to deal with a child properly?'

Husband says so much [[nonsense->fight]]. I am the logical one. I told him, 'To that child you are but a large man with a frightening moustache babbling in a barbarous language he doesn't understand.'

The last thing I heard from my husband was: 'You were never [[really here->memory]].'

It's the ninth day and I try to [[remember->memory]] the important. Something changed after the second night, or the third. I started feeling that everything was [[wrong->hiding]], though I don't know if it was everything else or everything in me.

When we left the flat to watch the sea I noticed that there were barely any children in the streets. The thought stays with me, [[coiled inside.->fear]] Are they hiding their children? Are they sending them away? I want to ask husband if he has noticed, [[but I don't.->fight]]

Why do I keep [[forgetting->memory]] and confusing things? Perhaps he's doing [[something->fear]] to me? That's why?

Husband is still gone but I keep finding the little paper balls that he put [[into his ears->noise]] to sleep. He always was [[afraid->fear]] of dogs.

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At least this place isn't [[dark->light]] as most other [[places->past]] where we have stayed.

We have hidden in so many [[dark places->light]] since we left home.

There's plenty of [[daylight->light]] here, thank God. [[They gave->hiding]] us the keys to the place, but advised us not to go out unless strictly necessary.

There is a small fridge. Husband opens it [[excitedly->happy]] the second he sees it, and it's already full of things to [[cook->food]] or eat immediately. It's stuffed. I believe it will last nine days. Seeing so much food [[hypnotizes->happy]] me.

The stoves are two black iron disks that get [[hot->food]] very slowly.

It's early October. They told us it's way hotter than usual, but [[this heat->weather]] is normal for us.

The third day I discover that the smoke extractor above the [[kitchen->food]] has a lovely yellow light. It's small and makes the room feel like [[dusk->light]] at any hour, but I don't turn the white neon on anymore.

There are dogs in the [[houses->neighbours]] opposite our windows. I [[hear->noise]] them day and night. Dogs make husband so nervous that he sleeps with balls of toilet paper in his ears.

This is not a [[silent->noise]] house. I haven't really felt silence since we left [[home->hiding]].

We barely dare [[opening->neighbours]] the heavy curtains that cover the [[windows->light]].

In the wall under a window, just near the ground, there is a small hole covered with a grid, for air. In the night, with shutters down and lights off, [[white light->light]] infiltrates through the hole.

I realise now that [[it was me->past]] who decided we had to leave our home. I've told myself again and again that it was [[husband's->fight]] idea. He *made it look* like his idea. But he was just reading me.

'This is a [[safe place->hiding]] for you,' she said.

After the red-haired woman leaves the flat, he hugs me with his thick arms that always look too strong to do anything delicately. I [[laugh->happy]] when we dance. [['Safe.'->hiding]]

I [[laugh->happy]] and dance when we switch on the colour [[TV->tv]].

'I [[can't stand->happy]] hiding any longer,' I say. 'This has to be the [[last place->hiding]].'

'No spices again,' says husband. [['No taste.'->food]] He's building a pile of food instead of eating it. I [[remember->past]] the market back home. The spicer's ladle sinking in orange, red, black powder, the smell. Being able to get out and buy it myself.

I [[dream]] of flour, my hands deep in flour, stained white. Flour clouding the room. Catching the [[light->happy]] for me.

Waking up [[before dawn->light]] is the worst moment. I'm afraid that if I look at the time I won't be able to sleep again, or either I'll end up oversleeping. But then I remember that oversleeping is no real problem here, and my [[mood->fear]] grows dark.

It's been three nights. I suddenly [[woke up->dream]] almost tasting spices from home in my [[mouth->food]]. I'm crying now.

[['Stop->happy]] tickling me!' He's never [[tickled->past]] me before.

She told us that no one should see us. [[Neighbours->neighbours]] will hear us (and we should speak our language quietly, better with the [[TV->tv]] on), it's safer if they don't see. I didn't need her to tell me that.

I [[remember->past]] being young and [[making friends->happy]] with other youth who wanted to make friends. What now? What next? I'm not young.

I stay awake to watch the [[light]] change from night to dawn, black and silver to rose and blue. At some moment I start hearing cries I recognize, the same cries I heard many months ago when we crossed. I recognize them. They are [[the same.->past]] They last a few minutes.

I will [[forget->past]] the basements, I hope.

The ginger woman argues that we are very lucky to be together. 'For going [[unnoticed,->hiding]] a child is a terrible burden, and people who are alone make more mistakes. Two is the optimal number.' 'I'm sure she changes that for everyone she talks with,' says [[husband,->fight]] later.

'Every right decision!' husband cries. 'When any [[decision->hiding]] could get us caught. Do you understand decision stress, decision fatigue?' A bit later he starts weeping. To my ears he sounds tiny and metallic, like an old battery radio, like [[Dad's.->past]]

I impose my rules. Husband doesn't [[impose->fight]] any. First: we don't [[eat->food]] at the same times every day. This way the [[neighbours]] don't think we are predictable. Second: we don't talk about going outside.

Curiosity is the most [[dangerous->fear]] temptation now.

After the third day, I start thinking about how close the sea is, a five minute walk to the beach, it must be full of people in this weather, but we shouldn't go out and that makes me so [[angry->fear]] I punch the pillows. I stop thinking about the [[sea->happy]].

The fifth day I wake up to find a rose. Husband admits he's gone out. I start complaining, thinking I'll [[give him hell->fight]], but after half a minute my energy fades out. However, it's so [[beautiful->happy]] to look at.

The argument always ends the same. 'It was bad business,' and he doesn't let me [[answer->fight]]. But we've been moving from a bad place to another bad place for [[two years->past]]. How can that possibly be a less bad business?

At least if they had left playing cards to spend the [[hours->tv]].

When I watch the [[TV->tv]] I only understand one sentence out of four. Husband understands even less. We need more time to learn the language.

When I turn on the [[neon light->light]] near the kitchen the whole appartment looks like a hospital or a bus station. A place not built for [[people->past]] to live in.

There is a [[child->neighbours]] behind the wall near our bed. He weeps in the middle of the night. Then his parents make some very strange [[noise->noise]] with their mouths and the child stops very suddenly.

Fourth day. I wake up from a nap and I see husband sitting on the floor, in front of the door of the flat. He doesn't take his eyes away from the door. After we [[fight]], he says: 'You need to go out more than I do.'

The red-haired woman said our situation was an [[ordeal.->hiding]] It seemed like she was going to caress my hand, but I think she's very reluctant to touching other [[people->fight]] or being touched. I haven't touched her.

Sometimes I can't stand the [[silence->noise]] in this house.

We have the first [[fight]] on our first night at the flat. It's boring, routine. We barely explain it to ourselves: [[no need to->past]]. Like a chess opening that you rehearse against yourself. I wish we could go out and buy a chess set.

[[I can't remember what will happen in the ninth day.->fear]]

We both are in bed when somebody [[knocks->noise]] the door. I stop moving. I stop [[breathing->fear]]. I put my hand over husband's face. The door is not locked, all they have to do is turn the handle outside and go in.

It's too hot, it's [[summer->weather]] in October (I have to pause and think hard to be sure that we are in October), we don't dare turn the AC on to cool this flat a little bit. Our clothes are not adequate. [[Husband->past]] takes a lot of showers and leaves a trail of water, foot-shaped marks.

Early every morning I briefly [[open the curtains->light]], open the window and sneak a quick look at the sky. I hear musical notes in my heart, and with them comes the [[peaceful realization->happy]] that I will be free to walk under the sky again very soon.

Husband says we need different [[food]], he hates what they left in the flat for us. How has he become such a [[cowardly idiot?->fight]] Even if we could get out, we have no money. This is so unlike him.

The sixth day. 'You are [[wrong->memory]] again,' husband says. 'We have been here eight days already.' Should I be sure that he's not right? I didn't use to be so [[helpess->fear]].

I keep [[dreaming->dream]] about the policemen I saw [[on TV->tv]], screaming words I can't understand, beating on poor men like husband who don't try to resist.

I'd like to write a [[journal->memory]] or something but I'm afraid of forgetting it and leaving anything that could be a trace to our location. We need to pass through like ghosts. We need to be here like ghosts. [[And leave nothing->hiding]].

Better being bored than being [[frightened!->hiding]]

It's already half past one in the afternoon and we haven't talked to [[each other->fight]] yet. And then he hugs me... and it's what I [[feared.->happy]]

'We have nothing! This flat is very small! How could you lose something? [[How at all?'->fear]] 'But [[what->memory]] did I lose?' asks husband.

The jewels in his face have been dull for [[some time.->past]]

[[After->past]] so long hiding with canned food: the [[tastes!->happy]] The noise of crisp [[food!->food]]

[[After->past]] so long hiding in dark places: the [[sunlight!->happy]] The warm kitchen [[light!->light]]

[[After->past]] so long hiding underground: breathing [[outside air!->happy]]

[[After->past]] so long hiding far from daily life: childrens' [[voices!->happy]] Dogs! Birds! Cooking [[noises!->noise]]

'You are somewhat obsessed with [[food]] now,' husband says. 'Do you still [[fear]] we'll lack food again?'

Third day. 'We [[paid->past]] a lot to the red-haired woman,' husband says for the umpteenth time. 'She needs to [[do it well->happy]] or people won't pay her anymore. She needs to do good business.' I fill my mouth with sarcasm before saying: 'Good busineses.' 'Good business,' he repeats [[without noticing.->fight]]

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pass:"curiositytemptation",theme:["hiding","fear"],phase:[1,2,3],bg:"day",used:false }, ]; // { pass: "", theme: [""], phase: [], bg: [""], used: false }, //setTimeout(function(){ $('body').removeClass('opacity-0').addClass( 'opacity-100' ); }, 5000); %> <h1> Where we'll live for nine days </h1> [[Read->irememberthehouse]] A fragmented story by *Pseudavid* [[Credits]] <img src="img/Pseudavid.png" height=100px width=100px class="pseulogo">

<a href="http://twinery.org">Twine 2</a> by Chris Klimas and others *With a big thank you to all the awesome people in the Twine forum for their help* <a href="https://dan-q.github.io/twee2/">Twee2</a> by DanQ Cover image based on a <a href="https://pixabay.com/photo-2567679/">photo by StockSnap</a> Contact me at [email protected] or Twitter at @pseudavid [[Return->init]]

End [[Read different memories->init]] <% // for (step = 0; step < s.history.length; step++) { // print("<div class='review-item'>"); // print(story.render(s.history[step])); // print("</div>"); // }; $('body').removeClass('day inside night tv outside sea phase6'); %>

We went to the sea on the sixth day, but both of us were so nervous that we couldn't really [[enjoy->happy]] the sight. We were back in the [[flat->hiding]] in twenty minutes.

Husband is [[wary->fear]] of the [[sound->noise]] of [[dogs->neighbours]]. I'm [[wary->fear]] of the [[sound->noise]] of [[babies->neighbours]].

On the fifth day the red-haired woman calls to the phone she gave us. 'Be [[careful->hiding]] with the walls,' is the only thing she says. What does she mean? She isn't a good speaker of our language after all.

Sometimes I make a noise and the [[child->neighbours]] in the next flat starts crying. He can't be crying because of me, can he? But I [[freeze->hiding]] for minutes, even for an hour.

It's night and I [[think->dream]] I hear a dog scratching the shutters from outside. The ground [[outside->neighbours]] is one floor below us.

I have [[always->past]] hated card games. I wouldn't play them even if I were boring myself to death.

'You don't play. You aren't good at business. You don't go out. You don't stand by your decisions. You don't [[argue->fight]] with anyone but me. I will [[wear your skin->dream]] and perform a better you than you ever have.'

The fifth day I am constipated and I choose not to [[eat->food]] anything. I hope he doesn't start a [[fight]] now I feel so bad.

'Look what I did!' husband says, [[gleaming->chessvanishes]]. We have pen and paper: he has drawn chess pieces in small squares of paper and a board in a whole sheet: a complete set. I pretend to be delighted and play two games. 'I think you're letting me win,' he says.

Most of the chess pieces vanish after a day. We can't figure out how it happened, and he doesn't draw replacements out of superstition. Stupid, idiotic, backward-looking [[superstition->past]].

When I think of what will happen in the ninth day... I always end up [[thinking about my mother->past]] telling her story about her [[fear]] of anesthesia. 'It wouldn't even let me be scared.'

On the third night I am [[young again->happy]]. I open my mouth and my heart sings. The night feels warm and weightless. 'Let's make a new [[game->hiding]] up.'

'And [[when we're out,'->happy]] says husband, [['we will bake->food]] some pastries. With lots of honey. We will watch the [[light]] passing through the golden honey. That will be more important than eating the pastry.' I remember his eyes looking at honey, but I don't remember his voice trembling like this.

I ask husband what he [[dreams->dream]] of. 'White sheets and pencils?' 'Not for a long time,' he says. The smile [[falls from my mouth->fight]] like a wet coat slipping from its hanger.

'Those people the cops caught, on the [[TV->tv]],' says husband. 'They were like us. They are coming for us.' We [[fight]]. He never [[was this person->past]] and I'm not allowing it.

'We don't depend on the red-haired woman,' husband says, and of course I argue and we [[fight]] again because I can't let him think such things, put ourselves in [[danger->hiding]].

My hand, whitened by [[moonlight->dream]]. The tracery of minute lines on my skin, colourless. The soft hairs, so thin they are transparent. I see it here. It's the same it was at [[home->past]]. The moonlight is real.

'And when we're [[out->happy]] we will wear clothes in white colours again,' husband says. And I see the [[bright colours->light]] dancing in front of us.

Husband only said what he really thinks once, long ago. 'Until we left [[home->past]] I wasn't really used to spending so much time with you.'

I rarely [[remember->memory]] what I say in any conversation. Somehow I erase myself from my own memories, focusing only on others. As of late it's become [[worse.->fear]]

Fourth day. 'There are things in that [[fridge,'->food]] I explode, 'that we have *never* seen at home. And you don't want to even try them!' He does [[that thing->past]] where he looks down and turns his hand like a wheel. He feels ashamed that a woman is telling him off.

Husband, asleep in this delicate light, seems like he's floating in a crystal glass. I admire his body with a vague feeling that something is different, new: that he's not exactly who he was. But that [[uneasiness->fear]] doesn't make me [[enjoy->happy]] him less. 'Stop looking at me so much,' he says. 'You need to sleep more.'

Dusk makes husband [[restless.->fear]] After seven he starts pacing the room, turning the [[lights->light]] off and refusing to let met switch them on.

We slice pepper, carrot and onion. I fry them in olive oil, darkening their furious colours. I'm transforming them, [[making something->happy]] out of them. First time for a very long time. I never loved [[cooking.->food]] But I'm making something again.

But it's been only four days. How could we run out of [[food]] so soon? 'What are you [[saying?'->memory]] asks husband. 'It's been eight days!'

I try to sort all the [[memories->memory]] of the last days: breakfasts, lunches and dinners, dreams, conversations. I write them down. But my memories [[bleed->fear]] into each other. They don't have clean edges. I write question marks near almost every line.