(set: $calories to 0)
your blaring alarm shocks you awake. you were having a good dream, but you can't remember anything about it. your stomach is growling.
[[get up.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesanother day, the same pair of black leggings. you used to wear jeans every day, but you had to unbutton them whenever you got bloated. which happens often.
leggings are easier.
but which top do you wear?
[[yale sweatshirt that reminds you of your shortcomings]]
[[tank top that shows off your fat arms]]
[[nirvana shirt that's faded everywhere but the armpits so it looks like you have perma-sweatstains]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou open the fridge and look at all the food. you do this for about five minutes, and then you close it. you chug two glasses of water and shove two sticks of gum in your mouth (10).
time to [[get dressed.]]
(set: $calories to $calories + 10)
(print: $calories) caloriesyou didn't get in. You didn't even get on the waitlist. it's probably because of that one c in chemistry honors. all the volunteer hours in the world can't make up for that in the eyes of //the ivy league//.
you should [[wash your face.]]doesn't really matter if your fat arms show since you're gonna wear your hoodie all day anyways. you're always cold, even in hawaii.
you should [[wash your face.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyour hoodie will cover up the "sweat stains", so it doesn't matter much, anyway. rip kurt.
you should [[wash your face.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou wash your face with the three step skincare method you use to control your acne. it doesn't really work.
you scrutinize:
[[your nose]]
[[your stomach]]
[[your thighs]]
[[your arms]]
[[your hair]]
once you finish closely examining and critiquing each of your features, you [[put on your makeup.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyour nose has always been huge. way too bulbous from the front, and way too sharp and pointy from the side. like a rat.
you've considered getting a nose job. rumor has it scarlett johannson got one, and she looks great.
you can deal with pretty much everything about your face except your nose.
you try to contour it to look smaller. you screw it up, and end up making it look even bigger. you wipe off the contour as best you can.
[[look at yourself.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou look all right from the side, but OBESE from the front. There's a red line from where your fat rolls up when you slouch.
you tighten your abs. that looks a little bit better. but you can't suck it in forever, no matter how hard you try.
you pinch the fat around your belly button. it looks like you're cradling a medium-size bundt cake. yum.
you haven't had cake in a long, long time. it doesn't show, though.
[[look at yourself.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesoh god. your thighs. the bane of your existance. you still can't wear bikini bottoms without board shorts covering them.
you have a thigh gap, but only barely. it's probably just because you have wide hips, because your thighs still seem like cellulite-ridden tree trunks, even with that bit of light poking through.
you jiggle your legs and see how long it takes your thighs to stop quivering once you stop- maybe about .5 seconds - more than it probably takes other girls.
you sqeeze your inner thigh. the special exercises don't seem to be firming up anything. in fact, your thighs look even bulkier than they did yesterday.
[[look at yourself.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesthey're alright when you hold them out at a certain angle...but when they're squished against your torso like they usually are, they look like fat squishy bread loaves. you do pushups and lift weights to try to tone them, but nothing ever helps.
[[look at yourself.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou put it up into a tight ballerina bun, just like you do every single day. you've always hated your hair. in middle school, you would hairspray it in an inch of its life and flip it upside down every two minutes to keep it from getting flat. you looked insane.
the bun is easier to maintain, though it does make your pointy nose and chin seem to stick out even more. you pull a few hair tendrils out from the sides to soften your angular bone structure.
[[look at yourself.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou pump foundation in the shade 'buff chamois' onto your hand. you take the makeup brush you never clean and spend 15 minutes blending it all over your face to cover your abundance of blemishes. you pat powder all over the top. it makes you look like a ghost.
you draw thick dark brown lines on your eyelids and waterlines. you draw a thick wing to the side, and then smudge it all up a little so it looks like you don't really care about your appearance. ha.
ever since middle school, your eyes have felt naked without liner. maybe you idolized billie joe armstrong a little too much.
you smear on a couple coats of mascara. it's clumpy and spidery, but that's kind of cool, right?
time to [[plan your day.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou stare at your reflection until it starts to feel like you're looking at a stranger.
[[nose->your nose]]
[[stomach->your stomach]]
[[thighs->your thighs]]
[[arms->your arms]]
[[hair->your hair]]
you could do this forever, but you don't have time. instead, you [[put on your makeup.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesbreakfast:
donut (260) total: [[260]]
or
toasted english muffin (130) with 1/2 tbsp butter (50) total: [[180]]
or
an apple (95) with 2 tsp of peanut butter (66) total: [[161]]
in addition to chugging your morning liter of iced green tea (0), of course. it raises your metabolism.
(print: $calories) calories(set: $breakfast to 260)
There aren't any Krispy Kreme stores on island, so when they're sold for a fundraiser or something, everyone snatches them up, your parents included.
The calories actually aren't too bad. Obviously it's nutritional garbage, but god, those trans fats are so delicious.
You know the way to prevent a binge is to allow yourself treats every now and then. So in the long run, this is a good decision for your diet. Really.
[[plan lunch next.]]
(set: $calories to $calories + $breakfast)
(print: $calories) calories(set: $breakfast to 180)
a staple for you lately. it feels like something a real person would have for breakfast.
sometimes you'll add a tbsp of sugar free raspberry preserves (25) if you've been extra good. but you haven't.
[[plan lunch next.]]
(set: $calories to $calories + $breakfast)
(print: $calories) calories(set: $breakfast to 161)
solid choice. the protein from the peanut butter will keep away hunger pangs. and you think apples have... fiber?
they also taste good, but that doesn't factor much into the decision.
[[plan lunch next.]]
(set: $calories to $calories + $breakfast)
(print: $calories) caloriestwo bananas (190) total: [[190]]
or
2 cups spaghetti squash (60) with a can of tomatoes (90) total: [[150]]
or
1 cup brown rice (216) with 1 tsp shoyu (3) total: [[219]]
(print: $calories) calories(set: $lunch to 190)
(set: $lunchname to "two bananas")
you watch some raw vegan "fruitarians" on youtube who live off of like, 20 bananas a day. that's a bit much for you. but you do like bananas.
[[plan dinner next.]]
(print: $calories) calories(set: $lunch to 219)
(set: $lunchname to "cold brown rice and shoyu")
the shoyu keeps it from tasting too much like cardboard. at least it keeps you full.
and you can eat it grain by grain to make it last longer.
[[plan dinner next.]]
(print: $calories) calories3/4 inches of bread (75) with two slices of turkey (44) and a sliver of smoked gouda (45) total: [[164]]
or
two fiber one bars eaten four hours apart (2x140) total: [[280]]
or
one cup of strawberries (47), one cup of raspberries (64), 1/2 cup of grapes (52) total: [[163]]
(print: $calories) calories(set: $lunch to 150)
(set: $lunchname to "cold spaghetti squash and tomatoes")
when it's heated up, it's a liiiiittle like eating spaghetti. but you never have the energy to walk to the cafeteria to microwave it anyway. it's fine cold, too. well, it'd edible.
[[plan dinner next.]]
(print: $calories) calories(set: $dinner to 164)
(set: $dailycalories to 0)
this actually makes a very delicious sandwich. it would be better with more bread, obviously. and more cheese. the amount of turkey is fine, actually.
it's all about portion control. you can still eat sandwiches. so long as they're very small ones.
(set $dailycalories to $breakfast + $lunch + $dinner + $calories)
looks like your total today should be (print: $dailycalories) calories
given that you don't fuck up, that is.
mom's yelling that you're gonna be late. time to [[get in the car]] for school.
(print: $calories) calories(set: $dinner to 164)
you've tried eating them both at once. not making that mistake again.
fiber certainly //won// that day. fiber //one//. heh.
(set: $dailycalories to $breakfast + $lunch + $dinner + $calories)
looks like your total today should be (print: $dailycalories) calories
given that you don't fuck up, that is.
mom's yelling that you're gonna be late. time to [[get in the car]] for school.
(print: $calories) calories(set: $dinner to 163)
(set: $dailycalories to 0)
if you split the raspberry up by sections, you could take hours to finish eating it. and that's time //not// spent eating other things.
(set $dailycalories to $breakfast + $lunch + $dinner + $calories)
looks like your total today should be (print: $dailycalories) calories
given that you don't fuck up, that is.
mom's yelling that you're gonna be late. time to [[get in the car]] for school.
(print: $calories) caloriesyou close your eyes and lean your head against the window. the nausea from being hungry combined with your motion sickness means every trip to school is an effort to keep from throwing up. you have to keep a plastic bag in the car just in case.
you hate the nausea, but sometimes you wish you would throw up to get rid of the calories from breakfast.
you've tried purging before, but shoving a toothbrush down your throat just makes you gag. whatever. you read online that bulimics usually don't lose that much weight anyway. plus it gives you chipmunk cheeks.
your mouth starts getting all watery just as you pull into the parking lot. you open the door and squat on the ground, putting your head between your knees. your vision blacks out from the sudden movement, but soon you start to feel better.
mom tells you she loves you and leaves.
time to [[walk to class.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou have orchestra at 7:30 every morning.
you get your viola, bow, and chin rest from the back room, and sit in the front - you're first chair.
you start to nod off, and when you open your eyes, mr. young is rapping his baton on your music stand. You mouth "sorry" and sit up straight.
you check the clock every time mr. young stops the orchestra.
you have [[math next.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou hate going to math class because your shitty ex boyfriend is in the class before you. you're 95% sure he isn't planning on murdering you. but that 5%...
you hide in the bathroom until class starts, just to be sure you don't bump into him.
your teacher, mr. krulewitch is super cool. you guess with a name like that, you're destined to be really nice.
he makes you hate math a little bit less. you've always sucked at math.
since you started counting calories, though, your mental addition has gotten way better.
while mr. krulewitch enthusiastically explains cosines, you [[brainstorm possible meals]]
OR
[[doodle chickens]] in the margins of your notebook while you try to take notes.
(print: $calories) caloriessoup:
1 cup of bok choy (9)
3 cups of chicken broth (30)
total: 39 calories
omelette:
1 egg + 3 egg whites (132)
1/2 cup raw spinach (10)
1 tbsp hot sauce (the bottle says 0, but let's say 10 to be safe)
1 slice of white bread (100)
total: 252 calories
ice cream sundae:
2 scoops (1 cup) of chocolate ice cream (280)
2 tbsp hot fudge sauce (180)
2 tbsp rainbow sprinkles (40)
2 crumbled up oreos (90)
total: 596 calories
maybe you can fast all day on saturday and treat yourself with the sundae. you've been dreaming about ice cream.
[[try to pay attention.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou don't know why, but you've always liked doodling chickens.
you suck at drawing, but you're not bad at doing these cute little fat birdies.
[[try to pay attention.]]turns out ap european history with earl. you dont call him dr. ackermin because you don't respect him. well, you call him dr. ackermin to his face, but that's it.
you can feel your stomach starting to growl. time again for the daily battle to avoid the humiliation of your stomach making embarrassing noises in class.
[[shove your fists into your stomach]] in hopes it'll shut up
OR
discreetly [[get out a stick of gum]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou push your balled up fists into your stomach and the growling stops. you read somewhere that this is supposed to trick your stomach into thinking it's full.
the hungry feeling, however, remains. you adjust your position in hopes your stomach will take a hint and zip it.
earl is very excited about otto von bismarck.
class is dismissed - finally time for lunch.
you [[head to the benches]] where your friends hang out.
(print: $calories) calorieswhile earl is writing something on the board, you unzip your bag and grab a stick of cinnamon gum. he turns around, and you put the gum in your lap. he turns around again, and you shove it in your mouth. for the rest of the class, you plan your chews around when his back is turned.
gum always makes you bloated, which is pretty serious since you're almost always bloated anyway from being hungry.
whatever. that's a problem for future you.
class is dismissed - finally time for lunch.
you [[head to the benches]] where your friends hang out.
(print: $calories) caloriesyou see emily, ale, and joy: the supreme meme dream team. at least, that's the name of your group chat.
they all hug you and say hi. you wish you shared any classes with them.
you feel like your friends are [[the only thing that makes you happy.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou notice everyone around you is eating bentos. apparently the japanese club is raising money for their trip by selling food in the quad.
the smell of fried chicken is nauseatingly greasy, but you still start to salivate.
trevor, connor, and jenyse are walking over to check it out.
you've been obsessed with looking at food lately. you're not sure if it's a test of your willpower, or a substitute for actually eating the food. you spend hours on your phone looking at "food porn".
it can't hurt to [[go with them just to look]], right? you'll see what they have, and then you can stop thinking about it, and eat the lunch you brought, (print: $lunchname). yum.
(print: $calories) caloriesyou gaze at the stacks upon stacks of freshly made, hot bento boxes.
a thick bed of sticky rice, a sliced grilled hot dog, two pieces of fried spam, and a piece of fried chicken. the rice soaks up all the grease from the meat and turns a toasty golden color.
you don't know the calorie counts for those things
(well, you could guess. about 200 for the hot dog, maybe 375 for the spam... what, 500 for the rice? over a thousand, and that's not even counting the chicken)
but it's [[definitely over your daily limit.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyour friends all purchased bentos while you were doing mental math. you stand frozen.
trevor asks why you're not getting a bento.
you tell him you forgot your money.
he offers to spot you.
you say [[you're not hungry.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesever since you've started this diet, you've had to tell a lot of lies.
trevor looks a bit suspicious, but you all walk back to the benches together, connor and jenyse already cracking open their bentos and shoveling food into their mouths.
you can't imagine eating food without trying to savor and chew it as long as possible.
you wonder how they can eat so much without gaining weight.
[[you're outrageously jealous.]]
(print: $calories) calories(set: $aterice to 0)
jenyse says she gave up carbs for lent and offers you her rice. she already finished the rest of the bento.
you
[[take it]]
[[stay strong]]
(print: $calories) calories(set: $calories to $calories + 360)
(set: $aterice to 1)
you smile at her and pick up her chopsticks.
you form some rice into a mound that looks like 1 cup (240). there's still more in the bento. you form a 1/2 cup (120) mound next to the larger one.
total: 360 calories
not terrible.
you try to pace yourself,, but you can't stop putting rice in your mouth.
the only thing that exists is you and this rice.
the bento is clean in three minutes.
but... [[what about the grease?]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyour stomach screams at you while you politely refuse. she shrugs and dumps the rice in the trash. you watch the grains fall, knowing you did the right thing, but still wishing you had taken the bento.
[[you're not feeling so good. ->you hold your stomach]]
(print: $calories) calories(set: $calories to $calories + 400)
you forgot to calculate the calories from all the meat grease seeping into the rice. there's no way to estimate that kind of thing. a tablespoon of oil is (100). how much oil did they use to fry the chicken? the spam? how does that even work? you know fried chicken has way more calories than baked chicken, but how much of that is from the breading? how much of the oil actually gets into the food? and how much would seep into the rice it was sitting on? is time a factor? the meat was seeping the whole time jenyse was eating. is does that mean more calories seeped? oh god oh god.
we have to put some kind of number on this.
what, 4 tablespoons of oil (400), just to be safe?
plus the rice (360)
= (760)
urgh, [[you hold your stomach]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou start to feel tired and dizzy, even sitting down.
your stomach is distended so badly, you know you look 4 months pregnant.
you lay your head on the table. you have a couple hours before your next class. it wouldn't hurt if you just dozed off for a little bit.
(text-style:"blur")[you start to [[drift away]]]
(text-style:"blurrier")[(print: $calories) calories](text-style:"blur")[I'm sitting at a giant dining table. I look like the kid in willy wonka who turned into a giant blueberry, except not blue- just [[huge and round.]]]
(text-style:"smear")[(print: $calories) calories](text-style:"blur")[Butlers are bringing in plates of rich foods and set them down in front of me.]
''A whole lobster. Steak with butter. A bowl of mashed potatoes. An ice cream sundae. Parmesan risotto. Fries. A french dip sandwich. Birthday cake. Brownies. Candy bars. Bacon.
''
(text-style:"blur")[The smell sends me into a [[frenzy.]]]
(text-style:"smear")[(print: 0) calories](text-style:"blur")[The butlers keep coming. The table is littered with plates I've licked clean. I feel my arms moving, but I can't stop them. I'm shoving the] ''food'' (text-style:"blur")[into my mouth, almost too much to chew. It goes down so fast I can't even taste it. I'm going to choke. I feel sick- God, I feel so sick.
I can't tell if it's because I'm stuffed, or [[I'm starving.]]]
(text-style:"smear")[(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.2))[(print: 2746) calories]]
(text-style:"blur")[How could I possibly be starving?
I'm disgusting.
I'm a disgusting, fat pig.
fat. pig.
fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. fat. pig. ]
(text-style:"blurrier")[[kill yourself]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.3))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 5892) calories]]
(text-style:"blur")[hot, prickly tears roll down my fat cheeks, sore from chewing.
anything to [[end this misery.]] this humiliation.]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.4))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 10955) calories]](text-style:"blur")[I hear people entering the room. dozens of them.
i recognize them as my classmates.
they begin to [[point and snicker]].]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.5))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 24760) calories]](text-style:"blur")[I try to cover my face in shame, but my pudgy hands won't stop grabbing fistfulls of food and shoving them down my throat.
The people start shouting my name, hurling insults, "worthless", " a disgrace".
affirming [[what i always knew was true.]]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.6))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 47899) calories]](text-style:"blur")[I feel the familiar panic of coming out of a binge.
[[I need to get rid of these calories.]]
]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.7))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 175389) calories]](text-style:"blur")[[[I need to get rid of these calories.->cycle 1]]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.8))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 346778) calories]](text-style:"blur")[[[I need to get rid of these calories.->cycle 2]]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.8))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 693556) calories]](text-style:"blur")[[[I need to get rid of these calories.->cycle 3]]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.8))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 1387122) calories]](text-style:"blur")[[[FUCK, I NEED TO GET RID OF THESE CALORIES!->cycle 4]]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.8))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 2774224 ) calories]](text-style:"blur")[GET RID OF THEM
GET RID OF THEM
GET RID OF THEM
[[GETRIDOFTHEM.]]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.9))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 8322672 ) calories]](text-style:"blur")[//There's a pair of scissors in her hands and she grabs the inside of her thigh and slices off thick strips of fat like bacon
//]
''it doesn't hurt because you deserve it
[[slice.]]''
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.9))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 7822672 ) calories]]
(text-style:"blur")[//she does the same on the other side. the scissors glide through her skin like wrapping paper.//]
''it doesn't hurt because you deserve it
you [[keep cutting]] until you reach bone''
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.9))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 7322672 ) calories]](text-style:"blur")[//she grabs the fat on her arms and saws through it like construction paper in arts and crafts class//]
''it hurts but you deserve it
[[slash.]]''
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.9))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 5822672) calories]](text-style:"blur")[//she carves off the pudge of her stomach, grabbing handfulls of fat and snipping through them till they fall and slap onto the floor//]
''[[it hurts but it feels right]]''
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.9))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 2822672) calories]]it hurts but this was set since the beginning
(text-style:"blur")[it hurts but]
(text-style:"blurrier")[[it hurts]]
(text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.9))[(text-style:"smear")[(print: 22672) calories]]
emily is shaking you and calling your name. you feel tears in your eyes. she says it's time for p.e. and grabs your arm, leading you to the locker rooms. you feel a lake of dread in the bottom of your stomach. or maybe it's just stomach acid.
you reach [[the outside of the locker rooms.]]
(print: $calories) caloriescoincidentally, the nurse's office is right next to the girls' locker room.
(if: $aterice is 0) [ you feel like you're going to pass out, you're so hungry. you realize you didn't even eat the lunch you brought.
you're proud of yourself, in a sick way. hunger means you're doing well. skipping meals means food doesn't rule your life.
there's no way you're gonna be able to do PE today, though.
you tell emily you're not feeling well. she offers to stay with you in the nurse's office, but you don't want her getting in trouble. she reluctantly heads into the locker room.
[[you enter the nurse's office.]]
(print: $calories) calories]
(if: $aterice is 1)[
you would try to fake sick, but you need to burn off all that rice you shouldn't have eaten.
[[you go into the locker room]]
(print: $calories) calories]you stare straight into your locker as you pull on the tiny school p.e. shorts. your thighs bulge out of the leg holes like sausages in casings. you glance around. the other girls are so [[skinny and pretty.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou embarrasedly ask emily if you look fat. sometimes the guys are up at the track. if derrick sees you in these shorts, you'll die.
she says she's worried about you. that when she hugs you, she feels your bones poke out.
you figure she's just trying to make you feel better.
you walk up the two ramps and flight of stairs [[to the track.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyour vision blacks out for a few seconds once you set foot on the track. you take your seat on the bleachers next to emily.
"i heard [[we're running the mile today]]" a girl in front of you says.
(print: $calories) caloriesyou are not in the mood for the mile today. hopefully that girl is wrong.
coach maria walks out with a timer around her neck and shouts, "we're running the mile today, girls!"
oh god.
"everybody line up at the 100 marker. try your best!"
you drag yourself to the line. [[this is not going to be fun.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyour stomach is screaming at you. you hear the whistle blow and your legs start moving forward. you think of puppies to distract yourself. it works for the first lap. [[three more to go.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesthree isn't too bad. after another lap, you'll be halfway done. after two more laps, you'll be 3/4 done.
[[you can do this.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou do math in your head to distract from the burning ache in your legs.
at 116 lbs, one hour of running as fast as you can, 8 minutes per mile, burns 604 calories.
so one minute of running would burn 10.06 calories.
meaning 8 minutes of running would burn 80.5 calories.
if each lap is around 2 minutes, that means each lap burns 20.12 calories.
so each half lap burns 10.06
so each quarter lap burns 5.03
so each eighth lap burns 2.5 calories.
your stomach is screaming. your legs are also screaming.
sweat gets in your eyes.
look on the bright side.
at least the boys aren't out here.
[[2 and a half laps to go.]]
(set: $calories to ($calories - 30.18))
(print: $calories) caloriesyou look at the sky and try to make shapes out of the clouds. you step on a girls foot, and she shoves you.
okay, looking at the sky: bad idea.
you stare at the ground instead.
just put one foot in front of the other. and then keep doing that.
[[2 more laps to go.]]
(set: $calories to ($calories - 10.06))
(print: $calories) calories
you're halfway done. your stomach feels concave. you feel nauseous. you wonder if they'll make you finish the mile if you throw up. maybe your heart will give out and you'll die - that wouldn't be so bad. at least you could stop running.
you should've gone to the school nurse and said you were sick.
[[1 and a half laps to go.]]
(set: $calories to ($calories - 10.06))
(print: $calories) calories
your mind is blank. all that exists is the pain in your legs, and in your stomach, and in your head. you stare blankly forwards, feeling your body jiggle each time your feet pound the ground. you probably look like one of those slow motion videos of a bullet going through a ballistic dummy.
"good job, just [[one more lap]]!"
(set: $calories to ($calories - 10.06))
(print: $calories) caloriesyou start to feel positive. and maybe a little loopy. just one more lap and you're done.
most of the other girls have finished. you feel their eyes on you, but you don't care.
your legs are weightless and are carrying you across the track. you have wings. your brain floats out of your body. you watch the trees pass by. you're almost there.
you cross the finish line, huffing and puffing through your smile.
[[you don't really feel the pain anymore.]]
(set: $calories to ($calories - 20.12))
(print: $calories) calories"okay, huddle up girls, here's what we're gonna do today."
you stand next to emily. you look intently at coach maria and watch her mouth move. your hearing goes in and out like [[someone playing with the volume dial on a radio]].
(print: $calories) caloriesyou turn your head to emily in slow motion. you ask what coach is saying, but the words don't come out right, you don't think. you can't hear them.
she furrows her brows.
her face gets all fuzzy like static on a TV. now it's only static. no, now you can see her face again. then it goes back to [[static]].
(print: $calories) caloriesyou lean on her shoulders and your legs turn to jell-o. the grass looks white. so does the sky. you can't hear anything and everything you see is white like a camera flash.
all the girls start walking towards the gym. emily starts walking.
with no one holding the strings connected to your puppet legs, everything falls out under you.
[[you don't feel yourself hit the ground.]]
(print: $calories) calories[[you don't dream.]]
you open your eyes in a dark, quiet room. there is a cup of water next to you. you drink it. it's the most delicious thing you've ever tasted. it's gone [[before you know it]].
(print: $calories) caloriesthe nurse comes and sits next to you. she looks exactly how you think a school nurse should look. she's nice.
"Good, I'll get you some more water. You passed out in PE. Can you think of any reason why that would happen? [[Have you been eating enough?"]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou know, i think i forgot to eat lunch today. too busy. that's probably it.
"Well, maybe keep some granola bars in your bag, something small you can eat in class if you need to."
more lies. as if you could ever forget to eat.
[["Okay. I'm sorry"]]
(print: $calories) caloriesMr. Krulewitch dismisses you. You look at your notebook and see giant blank sections where you zoned out and thought about food.
time for your next class. you don't even remember what it is, but you trust your muscle memory to [[walk you there.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesthe school system keeps track of every time you go to the nurse's office, so it's kind of an indulgence.
you write down your name and wait to be called.
the thrill of skipping class is mixed with guilt and dread that you'll have to make up the mile later.
plus, [[it'd probably burn like 80 calories.]]
(print: $calories) calorieswhatever. it's too late now.
the nurse calls your name.
she looks exactly how you think a school nurse should look. she's nice.
[["So, why'd you come in today?"]]
(print: $calories) calories]because i didn't want to run the mile.
"Uh, my stomach feels really sick. It was probably something I ate."
or something i didn't eat.
"Ah. Well, I'll give you some pepto, and you can lie down for a while, okay? I'll write you a note to give to your teacher later."
this woman is [[a godsend.]]
(print: $calories) calories]you lie down in the dark back room of the nurse's office.
other people are asleep- people with real injuries. people who are actually sick.
here you are, putting off your problems till later.
oh well.
you close your eyes.
''to be continued''
calorie total: (print: $calories)you really are.
"Nothing to be sorry about. I know how busy you kids are. You can lie down for a while, I'll write you a note for your next class."
[[you love this woman.]]
(print: $calories) caloriesyou lie back in the dark, quiet room. the bed isn't comfortable, but your body is just thankful it's not having to use energy to stand.
the other kids in here are actually sick. have real problems.
you shut your eyes, and hope for dreamless sleep. the void.
''to be continued''
calorie total: (print: $calories)[[you wake up.]]
(print: $calories) calories