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I don't want to be here.
It's tiny, and it's dark, and it's crampt. I can't move more than a centimeter in any direction.
And it's so damn //hot//.
I can't ''breathe'' in this.
I can't go up there.
I don't want to.
I want to get out.
@@.doctor;
"I'm going to ask you some standard questions to help us get a better idea of what exactly you're going through."
@@
[["\"Okay.\""|Question 1]]My suit is too tight. The ship is too small.
I can't find the controls. I can't see.
@@.doctor;
"Over the last two weeks, how often have you been bothered by the following problems:
Little interest or pleasure in doing things?"
@@
<div id="question-1">\
<<link "\"What?\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"...\""|Question 2]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
<<link "\"You're not listening to me.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"I see.\""|Question 2]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
<<link "\"Nearly every day.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"Hmm.\""|Question 2]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
\</div>I'm burning up. It's so ''hot''. The ship is ''burning up''.
I don't want to be up here.
I didn't want to be up here.
It's scary up here.
Everything's shaking. I'm shaking. Everything's coming apart.
Thousands of pounds of thrust are pressing down on me and I can feel every one of them.
I'm scared.
@@.doctor;
"Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless?"
@@
<div id="question-1">\
<<link "\"What is this?\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"Just standard questioning.\""|Question 3]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
<<link "\"I need mission control.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"Right.\""|Question 3]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
<<link "\"Nearly every day.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"Mhmm.\""|Question 3]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
\</div>Warning light. Fuel is low.
Nobody told me it would be like this.
It's impossible. I can't stabilize without auxiliary thrust.
I can't do all this on my own.
@@.doctor;
"Feeling tired or having little energy?"
@@
<div id="question-1">\
<<link "\"I'm out of fuel! I can't land!\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"...\""|Question 4]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
<<link "\"Ha. I'm always tired.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"Ha.\""|Question 4]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
<<link "\"Nearly every day.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"I see.\""|Question 4]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
\</div>This is so ''stupid''.
I'm a ****ing cosmonaut. This is a dream. //My// dream.
I should be happy.
I've never gone to bed hungry. I have plenty of friends.
I should be happy.
I have a family that loves me. A good job.
I'm not happy.
@@.doctor;
"Feeling bad about yourself—or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down?"
@@
<div id="question-1">\
<<link "\"...\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"I see.\""|Question 5]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
\</div><center>
Welcome to ''//The Cosmonaut//''
an interactive fiction short made with Twine 2.
''THIS SHORT INCLUDES THEMES OF
DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE.''
[[START|A d r i f t.]]
written by
Wyatt Beard
inspired by
"Suic!de and Ment@l He@lth | Philosophy Tube ⋆"
</center>
<<set _flying = setup.SoundPath + "RocketMan.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "start_flying" _flying>>It's getting hotter. Shaking harder.
There's light coming in from outside. The ship is burning.
At least I can see.
This ****ing uniform is so garish. And stuffy. I haven't worn a collar this tight since I went to prom.
@@.doctor;
"Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television?"
@@
<div id="question-1">\
<<link "\"I don't really watch much television.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"Answer the question please.\""|Question 6]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
<<link "\"Nearly every day.\"">>
<<replace "#question-1">><span class="doctor">[["\"...\""|Question 6]]</span><</replace>>
<</link>>
\</div>Head banging around the cockpit. Can feel the heat on my brain.
Warning light is blinking now. Fuel empty.
Chunks beginning to break away. Something pops. I can feel the vacuum tugging at the hull. It's tugging at me.
Everything is hot. I'm looking for land but all I can see is fire. There's no end. I want it to end.
This is my last mission.
@@.doctor;
"Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself?"
@@
[[Nearly every day.|Question 7]]
[[Nearly every day.|Question 7]]
[[Nearly every day.|Question 7]]@@.doctor;
"One last question. We're almost through.
How difficult have these problems made it for you to do your work, take care of things at home, or get along with other people?"
@@
I, uh...
[[I function pretty well.|Perseverance]]
[[I'm not good for other people.|Regret]]And I know if I can just be brave
and hang on
that I can get through it.
And I can land this thing.
And I can come back down to Earth.
I can see the Earth again. Because I want to.
I want to live.
I //am// the cosmonaut. [[But I can be more.|Hope]]Did you know I went to two proms my senior year?
Two different schools. The one I was in and the one I'd left.
The first one, at my school, was alright. Went with a group of friends. Had a nice time.
The second one, I'd actually found myself a date. We weren't "dating," but we had gone on one date before. We were friends for a long time, and, uh, you could say that that one date went a lot better than I was expecting. I wasn't really ready to commit to anything serious though, y'know? Still young. Didn't want to lock myself down.
I knew how she felt, though. She wanted more than I wanted to give her.
Didn't stop me from being all over her the whole night. It was prom, I did what I thought a prom date should do. At the end of the night, I went off with my friends and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I thought it was a nice thing to do.
[[All I did was make things worse.|Disgust]]The kiss is where I went too far.
I'd been giving her "mixed signals" all night, being so affectionate while telling her I didn't want a relationship. Then I go and kiss her and she's suddenly in tears, can't make heads or tails of what I want from her.
And I'm not there to talk her down because I'm across town with the guys at an after party.
I don't mean to, but I hurt people.
I don't want to be alone, but it's better for everyone if I am.
I put myself in this ship and [[I deserve to be here.|Hope]]//I know// that there are times when I just want to die.
But I also know that now isn't one of them.
So, I'm at a bit of a conundrum here.
What's the rational thing to do here?
Live?
Kill myself?
@@.doctor;
"//To be or not to be? That is the question.//"
@@
[[I don't know if I have the answer.|The Answer]]@@.doctor;
"I don't know if it can be answered.
I don't think it's about whether or not suicide is rational.
It's about whether or not suicide is //understandable//.
Whether or not we can empathize with someone //who just wants to die.//
If you're out there right now, drifting in space, there's only one thing I want to say to you.
By all means, listen to your friends and your family and the doctors and survivors.
But the one thing I want to tell you—//the one thing I want you to hear me say//—is this:
@@
<span class="doctor">[[I understand how you feel.|Epilogue]]</span>@@.doctor;
"I've been up there. I've flown that mission.
I fly it a whole hell of a lot.
And it doesn't mean you're bad or broken inside just because they keep sending you up.
So you fly safe, cosmonaut.
And when you're ready to land again, I'll be here waiting."
@@
[[Land.|Credits]]
[[Keep flying.|https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtVBCG6ThDk]]<center>
''//To be continued.//''
.
.
.
Thank you for playing.
.
''//The Cosmonaut//''
.
was inspired heavily by the video
"Suic!de and Ment@l He@lth | Philosophy Tube ⋆"
from Oliver Thorn.
.
You can watch his video [[here.|https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQNw2FBdpyE]]
.
If you or someone you know is experiencing
suicidal thoughts or tendencies,
please consider calling a suicide
prevention hotline or speaking to
a mental health specialist.
.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255 or [[click here.|https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/]]
//[[restart?|Introduction]]//
</center><<masteraudio stop>><<audio "start_flying" volume 0.1 play>>