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Welcome to TiLT
[[Get Started|GetStarted]]Wait, two more things!
Firstly, this game is based on interview and survey research with university students and graduates in Ireland.
The characters and situations are entirely fictional, and are not based on any real-life people or events.
[[Okay, what's the other thing?]]Content Warning
The game contains storylines involving racism and sexual harassment. This may be upsetting to some players.
Playing the game is voluntary. You can exit the game at any point.
[[I want to play|Chapter 1: Introductions]]
[[Take me to support information|Chapter 1: Introductions]]
[[I do not want to play|Chapter 1: Introductions]]Opening text/image
[[Chapter 1: Introductions]] The game will play out slightly differently depending on your choices
[[Got it. How long will it take?]]
[[Okay. How do I win?]]The game will take about 40 minutes.
You can earn points as you go by (1) gathering information and (2) demonstrating learning.
At the end of the game we'll share some additional resources we think you might find interesting.
[[Sounds cool, let's get started]]It's not really about winning. But you earn points as you go through by (1) gathering information and (2) demonstrating what you've learned.
The game will take about about 40 minutes.
At the end you'll be able to access some additional resources that we think you might like.
[[Sounds cool, let's get started]] You play from the perpsective of a character in the game. We cannot track the choices you make for the character - how you play is up to you.
Our advice is: don't think too much about it, just go with what you feel.
[[You could choose this]]
[[Or this]]I dragged my suitcases along the corridor, counting the numbers on the doors impatiently. 28, 29, 30...31. This was it! My home for my first year of university!
I swiped my keycard and opened the door. Straight away, I could hear talking and laughter. I followed the sound of the voices and found two girls sitting at a kitchen table.
They broke off their conversation and looked at me expectantly.
[["Hi," I said, "I'm Anu!"]]
[[Suddenly I felt tongue-tied.]]"Hi!" said one of the girls, giving me a friendly wave. "I'm Lisa."
"Hi," I said, "I'm Anu."
"I'm Sophie," said the other one. Come and join us!"
As I sat at the table, my stomach let out a loud grumble. I explained that I hadn't really eaten much since boarding my flight the previous day.
"Oh my God," said Sophie, "have some of my food. Seriously, my mum bought me so much for moving in, half of it is stuff I won't even eat."
There was a full basket of fruit on the counter.
[[I took an apple.]]
[[I took an orange.]]"Thanks. My mum gave me some sweets before I left Chennai," I said, "You can have some as soon as I get unpacked."
"Cool," said Sophie.
"Chennai is in India, right?" asked Lisa. She sounded excited.
"That's right," I said. "It's in the South of India, in Tamil Nadu province."
"Is it big?" asked Sophie.
[[I was surprised she had to ask.]]
[["I guess so," I said casually.]]"Who?" asked Lisa.
"Jack Enright. He's doing Business and Accounting."
"Oh my God, I thought he didn't get the points."
"Second round offers. I saw his post about moving in on Insta."
They began talking about people I had never heard of. I couldn't get a word in edgeways. Eventually I was able to ask:
[["How do you all know each other already?"]]
[["What are your plans for the evening?"]]"Oh my God, hard question," said Lisa. "Our schools are historically rivals so we're supposed to hate each other. But everyone here just kind of knows everyone anyway. I think we met at French college, didn't we Soph?"
Sophie shook her head. "No, I definitely met you before that. Maybe someone's birthday party?"
"Yes!" said Lisa. "That girl I did violin with. I forgot about her."
[["What's French college?" I asked.]]
[[I had lost interest in the conversation.]]"Oh, I'm going to a party," said Sophie.
"And I'm going on a date," said Lisa.
"Oh," I said.
[["Is the party on in student residences?"]]
[[I couldn't think what else to say.]]"It's a summer camp where you have to speak French all the time," said Sophie, "but also it's like a major chance to meet boys."
"Or girls," said Lisa.
"Or girls," Sophie agreed instantly.
"Speaking of which," said Lisa, "I need to get going!"
"So do I," said Sophie.
They looked at me.
[[I looked back at them.]]
[["Where are you going?" I asked.]]I sat there eating tiny bites of fruit while they carried on talking about people with strange sounding names. They all seemed to be connected through school, or sailing, or some other activity.
Eventually, Sophie looked at her phone and said "I need to head out soon."
"Me too!" Lisa exclaimed, glancing at her watch.
They looked at me.
[[I looked back at them.]]
[["Where are you going?" I asked.]]"No," said Sophie, "it's at this other girl's house, her parents are away so she's invited people over to celebrate the start of term or whatever."
"Sounds like fun," I said.
"Yeah," said Sophie. "Um, sorry I can't invite you, I just don't know her super well so I can't bring loads of people."
"We should all hang out later in the week," said Lisa. "They guys upstairs said they're having a party."
[[I wanted to ask Lisa and Sophie how they knew one another.]]
[[I wasn't sure how I felt about going to a party.]]"I should hope so," I said, "given that I've been speaking English practically since birth."
Sophie didn't seem to recognise sarcasm.
"Yeah, you'll be totally fine," she said in a tone of reassurance. "What langauge do you speak at home?"
[[I decided to emphasise the point.]]
[[I decided just to let it pass.]]Growing up, our house was filled with English books - everything from Shakespeare to Lord of the Rings. My parents thought that speaking perfect English was the best way to guarantee my future career.
There were times when I felt more comfortable expressing myself in English than in Tamil, which was supposedly my native language.
Sophie's 'compliment' was a tad condescending.
[[I decided to emphasise the point.]]
[[I decided just to let it pass.]]"Um," said Sophie, "I'm got invited to this house party...but I don't really know the person whose house it is all that well, so I wouldn't be able to bring anyone else."
"And I have a date," said Lisa. "Sorry!"
"No problem," I said, "I'm going to bed soon anyway."
I could hear them talking excitedly to one another as they left the apartment. A few minutes later, I stood at the window and saw them walking across the courtyard. Sophie was teetering on her high heels.
[[I breathed a sigh of relief.]]
[[I felt weird watching them go.]]"Um," said Sophie, "I have this party at this other girl's house...I don't really know her all that well so I wouldn't be able to invite anyone else."
"And I have a date," said Lisa. "Sorry!"
"Of course," I said, "I'm going to bed soon anyway."
I could hear them talking excitedly to one another as they left the apartment. A few minutes later, I stood at the window and saw them walking across the courtyard. Sophie was teetering on her high heels.
[[I breathed a sigh of relief.]]
[[I felt weird watching them go.]]I wasn't sure what I had expected from my first encounter with Irish students, but it wasn't...this.
Sophie and Lisa seemed to have so much in common. They spoke alike and probably even //thought// alike. It was hard to keep up with them, not because I didn't understand what they were saying, but because it didn't make sense unless you already knew who and what they were talking about.
[[I started to unpack.]]
[[I made myself a cup of tea.]]Even though I didn't want to go to the party with Sophie, it hurt not to be invited.
I tried to reason with myself. We had only just met, and maybe it really was rude to bring a stranger to someone else's party here.
Then again, this was college! Weren't we //supposed// to become best friends instantly? Or at least friends?
[[I started to unpack.]]
[[I made myself a cup of tea.]]They seemed so friendly with one another - surely they had known each other for more than just a couple of hours?
But I missed my chance - they were already on their feet.
I could hear them talking excitedly to one another as they left the apartment. A few minutes later, I stood at the window and saw them walking across the courtyard. Sophie was teetering on her high heels.
[[I breathed a sigh of relief.]]
[[I felt weird watching them go.]]Just getting to know my new flatmates had been exhausting. I wondered what it would be like to walk into a room full of Sophies and Lisas, who all seemed super confident and acted like they had known one another since birth.
The two of them kept chattering excitedly to one another as they left the apartment. A few minutes later, I stood at the window and saw them walking across the courtyard. Sophie was teetering on her high heels.
[[I breathed a sigh of relief.]]
[[I felt weird watching them go.]]I hung up most of my clothes and lined up my shoes neatly by the door. I found the box of sweets that my mum had given me, and left them on the counter in the kitchen, with a note to my roommates telling them to help themselves.
I felt better now that I had unpacked a little. It still didn't feel like home, but it was a start. As I curled up in my new bed, in a strangely quiet apartment, I wondered what the rest of the week would bring.
Click here to go to [[Chapter 2: The Party]]
Or click here to replay [[Chapter 1: Introductions]] My mum had packed me a full tea-making kit, alongside a selection of her homegrown spices and some of my favourite sweets. The process of making tea - boiling the water, stirring the leaves and grating fresh ginger - relaxed me. I added milk and sugar that I found on the counter and let the aroma of the simmering mixture wash over me.
I poured myself a cup and as I took my first sip, a wave of excitement suddenly hit me. This was it! I was in college! I was here!
Click here to go to [[Chapter 2: The Party]]
Or click here to replay [[Chapter 1: Introductions]] "It's actually the sixth biggest city in India," I said. "And one of the fastest growing in the world. Right now there are about 4.6 million people living there."
"Wow," said Sophie. "Basically the entire population of Ireland."
"This place will feel tiny in comparison!" said Lisa.
It did, but I didn't want to say something that might offend them.
[["Hopefully I don't take long to adjust," I said.]]
[[I decided to change the topic.]]"Hi Anu," said the blonde. "I'm Sophie, and this is Lisa."
"Come, sit with us," said Sophie. "Do you want a drink?"
"I'm quite hungry actually," I said. "I had a long flight. Do you know if I can get food somewhere nearby?"
"There is a supermarket," said Sophie, "but it's a bit of a walk and I'm not sure how late they stay open. Feel free to eat some of my stuff, my mum went totally overboard shopping for me - as usual."
There was a full basket of fruit on the counter.
[[I took an apple.]]
[[I took an orange.]]Your choices will bring you on slightly different paths throughout the game.
[[Got it. How long will it take?]]
[[Okay. How do I win?]]Double-click this passage to edit it.Double-click this passage to edit it."Who?" asked Lisa.
"Jack Enright. He's doing Business and Accounting."
"Oh my God, I thought he didn't get the points."
"Second round offers. I saw his post about moving in on Insta."
The two of them began a long conversation about people I had never heard of. Finally there was a lull and I could ask them a question that was bothering me.
[["How do you all know each other already?"]]
[["What are your plans for the evening?"]]"My education was all through English," I said, "and my parents encourage me and my sister to speak it at home as much as possible. They introduced me to Irish writers like Yeats, who my mother is obsessed with, but lately I've been reading lots of Anne Enright."
"Oh my God, that reminds me," said Sophie. "Do you know who else is here?"
[[She was looking at Lisa, not at me.]]
[[I was glad to be out of the spotlight.]]"I live with my parents, sister, and grandmother," I explained. "With my grandmother I mostly speak Tamil. But my parents have always encouraged my sister and me to speak English at home, to help with our education."
"That's really cool," said Lisa, "I'd love to be bilingual."
Sophie seemed to be getting bored. "I just remembered," she said, "do you know who else is here?"
[[She was looking at Lisa, not at me.]]
[[I was glad to be out of the spotlight.]]"I didn't realise you were going on a //date//," said Sophie to Lisa. "Is he hot?"
Lisa laughed. "Well firstly, he is a she," she said.
"Oh my God, I keep forgetting," said Sophie. "Is she hot?"
"Judging by her profile pic, absolutely," said Lisa.
"We should all go to that party on Friday," said Sophie, "the one the guys upstairs are planning."
[[I wanted to ask Lisa and Sophie how they knew one another.]]
[[I wasn't sure how I felt about going to a party.]]"Thanks. My mum gave me some sweets before I left Chennai," I said, "You can have some as soon as I get unpacked."
"Cool," said Sophie.
"Um, Chennai is in India, right?" asked Lisa hesitantly.
"That's right," I said. "It's in the South of India, in Tamil Nadu province."
"Is it big?" asked Sophie.
[[I was surprised she had to ask.]]
[["I guess so," I said casually.]]Over the next few days, I got to know Sophie and Lisa better, and started to feel more at home in Student Residences.
On Friday night, the guys in Apartment 28 - Mike, Carlos and Jack - threw a party. I had fun getting ready with Sophie and Lisa, but once we were inside the door, they instantly gravitated towards people they already knew. I paused, hesitantly. The room was noisy and crowded. It seemed like our entire building was there. I wasn’t sure where to begin.
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]Carlos, one of the guys who lived in the flat, saw me looking lost and came over to me. We had bumped into each other a few times entering and exiting the building. He spoke with what I considered a strong Irish accent, although his parents came from Brazil and Poland.
"Hey, Anu!" he called. "I'm glad you came."
He came over to me, smiling from ear to ear. "Do you want a drink?" he asked.
[["No thanks," I said politely.]]
[["Yes, thanks," I said.]]She was just standing staring out the window on her own, but she didn't seem in the least bit awkward about it. She smiled when I approached and said "Hi! I'm Christine!" She sounded American.
"Hi, I'm Anu," I replied. "You're from the US?"
She winced. "Canada, actually. But most people make that mistake. Are you having a fun night?"
I decided to be honest. "I don't know yet. I'm not very used to this kind of the party."
She laughed. "What do you normally do in your free time?"
[["Oh, just stuff," I said vaguely.]]
[["I play a lot of video games," I said.]]"Wow," I said. "You really know how to stereotype a person, don't you?"
His face turned red. "Sorry," he said, "I just - you know, a lot of the girls here are very into yoga, like it's all my sister and her friends did during the pandemic. And what with you being from India..."
He trailed off, seeing that I still wasn't smiling.
[["That's a bit of an assumption, isn't it?" I asked.]]
[[It felt like I had killed the mood.]]"Not all Indian women are good at yoga, you know! I actually joined the boxing club," I said.
"Boxing, seriously?" His smile spread even wider.
I said nothing.
"Oh, you are serious. Sorry, it's just..." He made a wavy motion with his hands, as though he were drawing a womanly figure in the air."
[[I figured I woud play it cool...]]
[[I decided to tease him about it.]]"Yeah, you're right," he said. "Sorry - it happens to me all the time too, based on my Brazilian side - I guess I should know better than to do it to someone else. Go on, tell me what club you really joined."
"Boxing," I said, truthfully.
He looked impressed. "Hey, that's awesome," he said. "Jesus, I wish my little sister would get a bit more into self-defence, instead of being obsessed with how she looks."
[[I asked him if he played a sport...]]
[[I started to talk about boxing...]]I tried to cheer him up again by continuing the conversation as if nothing had happened. "I wish I was better at yoga - I probably still belong in beginner's class. I actually joined the boxing club."
"Boxing, seriously?"
"Yes, I was in a club back home, I've been practicing for three years now and I really like it."
"Wow, okay," he said, his face brightening. "Boxing. That's cool. Sorry, I guess I was really stereotyping you earlier."
[[I asked him if he played a sport...]]
[[I started to talk about boxing...]]"Let me guess," he said, "cricket."
I rolled my eyes, and he said "joke, joooooke! Is it a team sport? Soccer, hockey, rowing...?"
I shook my head, more amused than offended by the cricket thing.
"Oh, it's that ladies' fitness club, isn't it?" he said. "I heard they were looking for student yoga instructors - did they ask you to be involved?"
[[I didn't like the way he was making assumptions about me.]]
[[I laughed at his attempts to guess the right answer.]]"Boxing, seriously?"
He looked at me, eyebrows raised.
I said nothing, although I wondered why anyone would lie about what sports club they joined.
"Oh, you are serious. Sorry, it's just..." He made a wavy motion with his hands, as though he were drawing a womanly figure in the air."
[[I figured I woud play it cool...]]
[[I decided to tease him about it.]]...even though I found the gesture a little irritating.
"I know, hard to believe," I said. "But I boxed all the way through high school, we had a female teacher who believed in women knowing how to protect themselves."
I waited to see if he would try to make another joke, but he looked serious as he said, "sorry for laughing a minute ago, that is actually really cool. I think everyone should have at least the option of taking a self-defence class."
[[I asked him if he played a sport...]]
[[I started to talk about boxing...]]"Do you really think women are that shape?" I asked.
"What shape?" he asked.
"Huge breasts and tiny waists," I said, mimicking the gesture he had made a few seconds earlier.
"Haha, no, not really," he said. "Sorry if that offended you. I think it's really cool that you box, actually - more women should take up that kind of sport."
[[I asked him if he played a sport...]]
[[I started to talk about boxing...]]...telling him the story of how our club got started back in Chennai. He was nodding appreciatively when suddenly we heard the sound of breaking glass. Someone had sent a crate of empty beer bottles careening over the floor.
"Shit," said Carlos, turning around. "I better clear that up, we don't want trouble with the wardens in our first week. To be continued?"
"Sure," I said brightly, "catch you later!"
I looked around, wondering what to do next.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]...realising that I was enjoying the conversation now that we'd cleared up a few of his assumptions about me.
"To be honest, I'm not very into sports," he said. "I like swimming though, and I try to work out at the gym once or twice a week."
Suddenly he looked past my shoulder, distracted. "Oh no," he said, "I can't believe people are smoking in here. I better tell them to put it out, otherwise the alarm will go off and we'll have the wardens on top of us."
He hurried off, leaving me to figure out who I should talk to next.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]"Have you joined any societies yet?" she asked, but she kept talking before I had a chance to reply. "I've signed up for way too many, I already know I'm going to have to quit some of them."
"What's your favourite thing to do?" I asked her.
"Well, it's kind of embarrasing, but I'm actually really into video games. My ex-boyfriend got me hooked on them. I even joined a group in college that meets up to game once or twice a week."
[["Why is that embarrassing?" I asked.]]
[["I'd love to join that group!" I said.]]"No way!" said Christine excitedly. "Me too! Did you know that there's a group here that does a weekly meet-up? I've already been to a couple of sessions. You should come next time!"
"That sounds great!" I said - and meant it.
"Nice one, Christine!" said a guy who had just walked up beside us.
She rolled her eyes and said "Anu, meet Ronan. He's also in the gaming group."
[["Nice to meet you," I said to him.]]
[[She seemed kind of pissed off.]]"Yeah, my pleasure," he said, eyeing me from top to toe in a way that made me slighly uncomfortable. "Any friend of Christine..."
"You'll have to forgive Ronan," said Christine, "he hasn't quite figured out how to flirt yet."
"That's why I'm so grateful to you, Chris," he said earnestly. "For allowing me to practice on you."
[[His behaviour was very off-putting.]]
[[I wondered what Christine was thinking.]]"Unfortunately, girls are currently outnumbered in the games group," she said with a sigh. "Which is funny, since based on what I've seen so far, we're the ones who do most of the organising."
Ronan put an arm around Christine's shoulder. "It's because you're so good at it, Chris," he said. "I wouldn't know where to begin. I mean, men pretty much run the world, and look what a mess it's in."
[[His behaviour was very off-putting.]]
[[I wondered what Christine was thinking.]]"Oh, just that it's usually seen as such a guy thing," she said. "I mean, that's the case back home too, but it feels like it's especially the case here. Girls are supposed to be busy getting their nails done or something."
I glanced down at her perfectly manicured hands. Clearly Christine managed to meet that particular set of expectations.
"If you ever want to join us," she said, "I'd love to have another girl around. I swear it's loads of fun, even if there's a bit of a bro culture."
[["That wouldn't bother me," I said.]]
[["I'll keep that in mind," I said.]]"That would be awesome!" she replied. "I could use another girl around. I mean, I love video games, and I love men, but sometimes the two together can be a bit much."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, it gets needlessly competitive sometimes," she said. "And some guys really do NOT like losing to a girl. It's what you might call a bro culture."
[["That wouldn't bother me," I said.]]
[["I'll keep that in mind," I said.]]It was like he knew he was being inappropriate, and was daring you to challenge him on it.
Christine seemed to enjoy it though. I guessed I might just have to get used to being around boys.
For now, I'd had enough of him. I mumbled an excuse and backed away from the two of them.
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]Ronan's jokes were making me uncomfortable, but she seemed to be okay with his behaviour. From what I could see, she was assertive enough to deal with any unwanted advances he might make.
I gave her a smile and said, "hopefully see you at the next games night."
Then I turned around and surveyed the room. The rest of the party was in full swing.
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]She raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"I grew up with one sister and a lot of female cousins," I explained. "I always wanted to know what having a brother would be like."
Christine laughed. "I hope you still feel that way after you've met this particular group!"
I felt like I had made a friend, but before I could say anything else, her phone rang. "Sorry," she said, "it's my mom, I better take it."
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]It sounded like things here weren't all that different to how they were at home. But if Christine was in the group, it couldn't be that bad. I looked forward to getting to know her better - and to expressing my competitive edge.
Just then, Christine's eyes widened. "Gotta go," she said, "sorry! There's someone here I'm trying to avoid."
I looked around, puzzled, but I couldn't see anyone coming. I turned back and Christine had disappeared.
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]Half a dozen students were squashed around the table, some perching on armrests and others sitting on people's knees. They were deep in conversation, and didn't seem quite a drunk as everyone else.
I felt nervous about approaching a big group, but I was curious to know what they were talking about.
[[I decided to introduce myself.]]
[[I decided to eavesdrop for a minute.]]Lisa saw me approaching and gave me a big smile.
"Hey, everyone, this is my flatmate Anu," she said brightly. "Anu, this is everyone."
We all said hello, and then there was an awkward pause. The guy standing next to Lisa broke the silence.
"What are you studying?" he asked me. His tone was a little abrasive.
"Computers and English," I said promptly.
[[There was a pause in which I felt him judging me.]]
[["What do you study?" I asked quickly.]]"Hi," I said. "Sorry to interrupt, it just looks like you are having a really interesting conversation. I'm Anu."
"Hi," said a girl in glasses who seemed to be the leader of the group. "I'm Fiona. We're talking about setting up a community outreach group so that we can connect with the people who live in the area around Student Residences."
[["Sounds like a great idea," I said.]]
[["What would it involve?" I asked.]]"We could do a homework club for kids," one guy was saying.
"Or paint a mural on that wall near the bus stop," said someone else, "something to encourage biodiversity."
"Oooh," said another girl, "we could do a community rewilding project, get more wildflowers in the area."
I realised that they were talking about some kind of outreach programme for the district in which Student Residences were located.
[[I was about to join in when Sophie came over to me.]]
[[It sounded nice, but I didn't want to get involved.]]"Oh my God Anu!" she cried. "You're still here! I'm so glad, I thought you might have gone back to the apartment."
"Are you okay?" I asked her. She seemed very drunk.
"I'm great! I just wanted to get a selfie with my amazing flatmate - one of my two amazing flatments," she said with a laugh.
I noticed that she was swaying on her feet.
[[I felt slightly worried about her.]]
[[I went to talk to the group at the table.]]I was standing there, trying to decide what to do next, when Sophie appeared next to me.
"Anuuu," she said, "I'm so glad you're here!"
"Thanks" I said. I was slightly taken aback at how drunk she'd got in a short space of time.
"I just want you to know," she said, "that I think you are, like, super cool."
[["I like you too, Sophie," I replied.]]
[[I felt slightly worried about her.]] "I can get you something with no alcohol," he said, "if that's an issue."
"Cola would be nice, if you have it," I replied.
"Sure," he grinned. "Hey, Jack, toss me a cola."
He caught the can expertly and passed it to me. "So," he said, "joined any clubs or societies yet?"
[["Yeah, I decided to start with a sport," I said.]]
[["I've signed up for the boxing club," I said.]]"Hey Jack," he called across the room, "toss me another beer." He caught it expertly and offered it to me.
"Nice catch," I said.
"Thanks," he said. "So tell me - what have you been up to? Joined any clubs yet?"
[["Yeah, I decided to start with a sport," I said.]]
[["I've signed up for the boxing club," I said.]]It wasn't that I was having a terrible time. Most people were really nice. There were some who I definitely wanted to be friends with, and others who I could still see myself warming to - over time.
No, what was difficult was the feeling I had all evening, that I was 'that Indian girl' to people. I could see it in the subtle looks they gave me, and the questioning tone they used with me. Their curiously wasn't a bad thing, it was just kind of...exhausting. I had spent the first 18 years of my life surrounded by people who looked and spoke just like me, and never realised what a privilege that was until now.
Overall, I decided that my first college party had been a success, but what I most wanted was to get back to the apartment and have a good night's sleep.
Click here to go to: [[CHAPTER 3: Unwanted Attention]]
Click here to replay [[Chapter 2: The Party]] I waited for him to step aside to let me past, but he stayed where he was, blocking my exit from the apartment.
"That's a pity," he said, disappointment registering on his face. "I was hoping we could get to know one another, become friends. Would you not stay for another while?"
He leaned on the doorframe casually, and I thought about my options.
[["Sorry," I said, "but I've got to go."]]
[["Sure," I said eventually. "Why not?"]] After all, it was still realtively early, and all that was waiting for me was an empty apartment. Now that I had left the centre of the party, I realised that I wasn't particularly tired - I had just needed a break from all the noise.
"Come on," he said, "staaaaaaaay. If you're not having fun in 10 minutes, then I'll let you go, I promise."
He looked at me from the doorway, smiling innocently.
[["Sure," I said eventually. "Why not?"]]
[["Sorry," I said, "but I've got to go."]]"Sweet," he said, "good choice. So, tell me about yourself. It's Anu, right?"
"Um, yeah," I said, surprised that he had remembered. "My name is Anu, I'm from Chennai in India, and I'm studying Computer Science with English Literature."
"Wow," he said, "science AND humanities. So you're smart as well as pretty."
[[I laughed uncomfortably at this.]]
[[I looked around to see if anyone else was near us.]]There was something a little bit too innocent about his expression as he stood there, blocking my exit from the apartment.
"Anu, right?" he asked. I was surprised he remembered.
"I guess you're not used to big parties," he continued. "I could make it more fun for you, introduce you to a few people - or we could have some private conversation."
[["Do you might letting me past?" I asked him.]]
[[I looked around to see if anyone else was near us.]]It was a lie, but it seemed to do the trick, because he started to back down.
"I thought you looked tired," he said. "Don't let me come between you and your beauty sleep! We can pick this up another time."
"Yeah, of course," I said politely, though I hoped never to be alone with him again.
"Sweet," he said. "Hey, why don't you give me your phone number?"
[[If that was what it took to get past him...]]
[[I couldn't give him a fake number...]]"No hassle," he said, as if he hadn't just been trying to convince me to stay. "Hey, how about I walk you to your door? Can't be too careful, even in a place like this."
I one hundred per cent did not want to be out in the corridor alone with this guy. But I was starting to worry that no matter what I said, he was going to try to follow me back to my apartment.
"Unless..." he said, looking at me slyly, "you think you'd like to stay for a drink after all."
[["No, thanks," I said firmly.]]
[[I wavered, and he looked hopeful.]]"You know," I said, "I think I probably need to get home after all. I'm still getting over the jet lag."
"There's some red bull in the kitchen if you want to try that," he said.
"Thanks, but I think the only cure is rest."
"Well, if you're sure," he said. "Why don't we swap numbers so we can continue this another time?"
[[If that was what it took to get past him...]]
[[I couldn't give him a fake number...]]He seemed to mistake my silence for encouragement.
"No, seriously," he said, "I've always been attracted to smarter women. I don't know why it is, I just like girls who have more substance to them. Maybe it's to do with life experience. I mean, you've probably been through so much more than most of the girls at this party."
I took a deep breath, readying myself to say something.
"Are you sure I can't get you a drink?" he asked.
[["No, thanks," I said firmly.]]
[[I wavered, and he looked hopeful.]]...he could have my number. He would probably be able to get it from someone else at the party anyway. We lived in the same building, after all.
I just hoped he would forget all about me as soon as the door was closed, and I wouldn't have to deal with any more unwanted overtures of 'friendship'.
I walked to the other end of the corridor and let myself into my own apartment.
By the time I got there I was feeling...
[[shaken.]]
[[confused.]]...he would be sure to find out sooner rather than later.
Instead, I told him a different lie. "I haven't memorised my new phone number yet," I said, "and my battery died during the party."
"Too bad," he said. "I'll just add you on Insta. And hey, at least I know where you live, right?"
He finally stepped aside. I walked the length of the corridor and let myself into my own apartment, feeling...
[[shaken.]]
[[confused.]]The whole interaction with Ronan had felt like it had taken much longer than a couple of minutes. And even though there had been plenty of people there in the background, it had felt like we had been alone together. I had half-expected him to follow me out into the corridor, and the thought of that made me feel ashamed and frightened.
I wondered if I could have done anything to prevent the situation.
I wondered if I should have gone to the party at all.
[link to the scene with the girls]Had I been over-reacting to Ronan's behaviour? Maybe it was normal here for boys to behave that way to girls, especially at a party. He had obviously been drinking a bit, but he was still friendly and polite towards me. Or at least, he thought he was being friendly and polite.
He probably wasn't aware of how uncomfortable I felt.
Maybe I should have been more forthright.
Maybe the whole thing was my fault.
[link to the chat between the girls]Sophie and Lisa arrived not long after I did. Christine was with them.
Wardens kicked us out, said Sophie.
How did you enjoy the night?
[[couldn't say a word]]
[[not the best, i admitted]]He just smiled in response.
"Oh, come on," he said, "you don't really want to go...this is your first week of college, your chance to make friends, get to know people...people like me. Or do you not think I'm worth getting to know?"
He was pretending to be hurt when he said this, but I could see that he was still laughing at me inwardly.
[["I'm still getting over the jet lag," I said apologtically.]]
[["Please," I said, "I just want to go home."]]Sophie was passing on her way between the kitchen and the bathroom. I caught her eye and she winked at me and kept walking.
"You and Sophie live together, isn't that right?" asked Ronan. "I know Soph since we were in babies, she'll give you a character reference for me if you're looking for one. Don't you think we could be friends?"
He gave me a smile which I guess was supposed to be charming, but I was feeling more and more creeped out by his behaviour.
[["I'm still getting over the jet lag," I said apologtically.]]
[["Please," I said, "I just want to go home."]]"You have a beautiful smile," he declared. "I'd love to get to know it better."
"My smile," I repeated mechanically. It was like my brain was short-circuiting from the stress of this encounter.
Somehow he was still managing to block the doorway, while at the same time moving closer to me. I could feel the heat emanating from his body, and it made me feel even more panicky.
[[I backed away from his approach.]]
[[I felt rooted to the spot]]"You'll get used to it very quickly," said Lisa. "Irish people are very friendly. And there's so much to do here - college has so many clubs and societies, and there's always loads of gigs and events on."
"Just as long as I find time to complete my degree!" I said.
"Haha, same," said Sophie. "What are you studying?"
"Computer Science with English Literature," I said.
"Cool," said Sophie, "I'm doing Science and Lisa is in Law. Your English is unreal by the way!"
[[She seemed to be expecting a reply.]]
[[Her comment made me uncomfortable.]]"What are you both studying?" I asked.
"I'm in General Science," said Sophie, "but eventually I want to do Veterinary."
"I'm doing Law," said Lisa. "What about you, Anu?"
"I'm doing Computers and English Literature," I said.
"Interesting combination!" said Sophie. "Your English is amazing, by the way."
[[She seemed to be expecting a reply.]]
[[Her comment made me uncomfortable.]]"What's the population?" asked Lisa.
"Something like 4.6 million," I replied.
"That's like four times the size of Dublin," said Sophie. "I guess this place feels tiny in comparison."
I hadn't seen much of Ireland so far, but based on my journey from the airport, she was probably right.
[["Hopefully I don't take long to adjust," I said.]]
[[I decided to change the topic.]]"Computers and English, that's a weird mix," he said finally.
I shrugged.
"Shut up, Ben," said Lisa, "it's cool. And the computing part is way more interesting than I thought. Anu convinced me that I should sign up for a broadening module in."
"Oh my God," said Ben, redirectly his attention towards Lisa, "don't tell me you're becoming one of those women in STEM advocates."
[["What's wrong with women in STEM?" I asked.]]
[[I wondered what Lisa would say to that.]]"Mathematics and Philosophy," he said. From his tone of voice I could tell that he wanted me to be impressed.
Instead, I smiled at him blandly. "That's interesting," I said. "I was considering philosophy instead of English at one point."
"What kind of philosophy are you interested in?" he demanded.
"Mostly moral philosophy," I replied.
"That figures," he said.
[["What is that supposed to mean?" I asked.]]
[[I almost walked away at that point.]]"Nothing, obviously," he replied. "I just think that if people want to have a certain career, they should expect it to be built on merit."
"As opposed to what?" I asked him.
"As opposed to affirmative action," he said, "which is bad for society and bad for the individual."
"Wooooah," said one of the guys in the group, "controversial." He sounded more excited than outraged.
[["I earned my place here," I said.]]
[[I wished the ground would swallow me.]]"I'm an advocate for equality in everything," she said.
"Yeah," said Ben impatiently, "but do you not think that the women in STEM thing is pushing too hard?"
He waited for a nod of encouragement from someone else in the group before continuing: "If women were actually interested in STEM, we would have seen bigger changes by now. But even with all this feminist propaganda, the vast majority of are still choosing to go into more feminine areas and to focus on families over careers."
[["Oh come on," I protested.]]
[[I looked around at the rest of the group.]]"Well," he said condescendingly, "girls are typically more interested in caring and the common good and all of that. Whereas I think //true// philosophy is all about understanding the nature of reality - what we are actually made of as opposed to some kind of utopia."
I let his sexist assumption slide for a moment, as I asked: "isn't utopian thinking important for determining what we //become //- what the future reality of our society will be?"
He shrugged. "I prefer to deal with facts myself," he said. "I'm going to do an internship in Logic next summer, somewhere in the UK."
[["What's the name of the internship programme?" I asked.]]
[[I waited to see what the others would say.]]His last remark felt like a put down, and I didn't feel like getting into an argument with someone I'd only just met. Even if he was - literally - looking down his nose at me.
"I'm going to be majoring in Logic," he said smoothly. "I think it's the only //real// form of philosophy there is. I'm going to do a research internship in it at a UK university next summer - I'm thinking one of the Oxford colleges, of course."
[["What's the name of the internship programme?" I asked.]]
[[I waited to see what the others would say.]]"Oh, it's not actually a programme," he said, emphasising the last word as if it were a bad thing. "No, my dad is really good friends with one of the professors in the Philosophy department, and he has contacts in all the leading universities, so he's already agreed to write a recommendation for me. I might even go to the US, visit an Ivy League school."
Some of the other students in the group were looking impressed, but I could see Lisa shifting uncomfortably, and another guy was starting to turn red in the face.
[["Don't other students deserve that oppotunity too?" I asked.]]
[[I waited for one of them to say something...]]"Well, sure," he laughed, "it's not like I'm some kind of super-genius."
He paused for a second as though hoping for someone to assure him that he //was// an actual genius. When no one did, he carried on breezily.
"I'm sure if other qualified candidates applied for this kind of thing they'd be considered for it, but it's hardly my fault if they don't even try, is it? I have to consider my own interests."
[["I take it you don't have to worry very much about money," I said.]]
[[I was sick and tired of this conversation.]] Seeing that passionate argument wasn't going to sway this guy, I tried to remove all trace of emotion from my voice as I said:
"It might be the case that historically, women did more of the 'care' tasks while men did more of the work outside the home, and that arrangement came to be seen as natural. But the sexual division of labour has no place in a modern society, where men and women have equal access to education, and women's reproductive rights are so much more advanced. The only things holding back women in any field are outdated stereotypes and institutional biases."
"Well put!" said Lisa.
[[I could see Ben wasn't convinced.]]
[[Lisa and I smiled at one another.]]Some people looked uncomfortable, but mostly it was like they were spectators at a tennis match, waiting to see who would score next.
Lisa raised her voice and said: "I just don't think that's true though. I think we are socialised from birth into first of all, assuming that gender is binary, and secondly, believing all kinds of stereotypes based on that binary. Like, if a kid is literally dressed in pink and told to be a princess from the day they are born, what are the chances that they will grow up to be as interested in robots and rockets as a kid who was raised as a boy and told to be masculine?"
[[I could see Ben wasn't convinced.]]
[[Lisa and I smiled at one another.]]Lisa looked uncomfortable.
"Oh come on," said Ben, "I wasn't talking about you personally. I mean when companies try to hire women or minorities for certain roles, just so they can look more 'woke'. But what they're really doing is discriminating against equally and often more qualified male candidates."
"I agree," said another guy, "don't get me wrong, I support gender equality in principle, but face it, girls just aren't as into science or tech - present company excluded. But just because there's an exception or two, it doesn't mean that we should upend a system that has worked for thousands of years!"
[["Oh come on," I protested.]]
[[I looked around at the rest of the group.]] Was that what people thought when they saw me? That I wasn't as smart, capable, or ambitious as my male peers?
The fact that I was an ethnic minority in Ireland only made it worse.
"Anu got into this university on merit," said Lisa, "just like everyone else here." She sounded upset.
He rolled his eyes. "God, I didn't mean her, obviously. But you've proved the point that girls are more sensitive - which is why they're naturally suited to caring professions."
[["Oh come on," I protested.]]
[[I looked around at the rest of the group.]] Double-click this passage to edit it.Double-click this passage to edit it."You know," she said, "I was so intimidated when I met you. Like, here's this badass woman who travelled all the way from India, and I'm practically still living in the same post code. My mom drops around my groceries for me. It's like I'm just pretending to be independent, and you're like, the real deal."
Even though she was slurring her words due to alcohol, I felt like this was a moment of genuine honesty.
[["I was intimidated by YOU," I said.]]
[[I stood there uncertainly.]]"Do you want a glass of water?" I asked her.
"Haha, no, you're so funny," she said. "Come on, selfie time."
I posed with her for the camera. Her face was close to mine - I could feel her hair tickling my cheek.
"Awesome," she said, showing me the shot. I had to admit, it was a great photo. We looked like two friends having fun at a party. Then Sophie started hiccuping.
[["Are you sure you don't want a water?" I asked.]]
[[I waited while she posted the picture.]]She gave me a hug and then walked off to do shots with Jack.
I stood there, wondering if Sophie really liked me, or just liked taking selfies with people.
Someone had turned up the volume on the music, and now people were talking even more loudly so that they could be heard over it.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I went to talk to the group at the table.]]"Really?" she asked, hiccuping.
"Really. You and Lisa are both so confident, and you know everybody here, and I am just a fish out of water."
She looked at me, wide-eyed. "Oh my God, no no no, Anu, you shouldn't feel like that. You are so cool. Hey, Jack," she said, beckoning him over, "Tell Anu how cool she is."
"I think you're very cool, Anu," he said seriously.
"Thanks," I said, backing away slowly. "But I need to go over here now..."
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]"Here, let's get a selfie," she said, taking out her phone. She pressed her cheek against mine as we both smiled for the camera.
"Sick!" she declared. "That colour is so good on you. Hey, hey Jack," she said, grabbing him as he passed. "Doesn't that colour look great on Anu? Doesn't she look amazing?"
"Um, sure," said Jack, giving me a half-apologetic smile. "Let's get you some water, Sophie."
She turned and walked towards the sink with him.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]"Maybe just a teensy one," she said. "But then we're doing shots!"
"Okay, Sophie," I said, manouvering her towards the sink. There was a stack of plastic cups next to it.
Sophie drank a full cup, and smiled at me. "You're a good person," she said. "I hope we become, like, forever friends."
"Me too," I assured her, and then she turned and starting talking to Jack, who was pouring shots on the counter.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]"I know, right?" said Fiona. "I mean, gentrification is such a huge problem in our cities, and I think we have a responsibility to think about the larger community that we're a part of, not just our own little bubble."
The others were nodding seriously. "Yeah," said a guy I didn't know, "we want them to see that the students here are part of their community as well, not just a nuisance."
[["I totally agree," I told them.]]
[["Are you in touch with the community?" I asked.]]"At the moment we're thinking community events like picnics or fun days," said Fiona, "so that we can mix with the local residents. You know, especially the elderly people in the community, or lower-income or migrant families. It's so important for us to give back, don't you think?"
Everyone around her was nodding enthusiastically.
[["Are you in touch with the community?" I asked.]]
[["I totally agree," I told them.]]"That's awesome," said Fiona. "like, obviously we want our group to be as inclusive as possible of the community within Student Residences, so that we can be better partners for the people who live in the surrounding area."
"Exactly," murmured the girl sitting next to her.
"There's a big migrant population," she continued, "so it would be great to have you bring the South Asian perspective."
[[I didn't know what to say.]]
[[That was a red flag for me.]]
[["That sounds very cool," I said.]]On the one hand, I was sure Fiona meant well. She seemed to know what she was doing, and the other students around the table had accepted her as their leader. Maybe I was over-reacting.
On the other hand, I'd prefer to be welcome in the group because of my ideas, not because I was a token Asian person.
[[I decided to keep quiet for a while.]]
[[I decided to move away from the group.]]"I'm happy to help with outreach," I said, "but I can't speak on behalf of all South Asians. Firstly, we're a very diverse group, ethnically, religiously, linguistically. And secondly, I only just arrived here. I'm not sure how much I have in common with people who are second or third generation Irish."
"Yes, of course," said Fiona, sounding impatient. "I didn't mean you would speak on behalf of everyone. Just that you could show them we have their interests at heart."
[[I felt like she hadn't understood me.]]
[[I decided to keep quiet for a while.]]"I'm just saying," I said, "that there might be other people who would do a better job of reaching out to, for example, a middle-aged Pakistani man who's been in this country for 25 years."
"Okay, sorry," she said, "obviously I misspoke. You know, I was actually in India last year on my gap year, volunteering for a charity that supported women and girls."
[["Oh, what languages do you speak?" I asked her.]]
[[I didn't know how to engage with this.]]Maybe this wasn't the time or place to be judging Fiona. Maybe her heart was in the right place - or maybe she was trying to build her CV. At least this was a change from some of the drunken exchanges going on in the rest of the room.
The conversation fizzled shortly after that, the group started breaking up into twos and threes. I turned to see who was left at the party.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]Mike gave me a small wave as I sat down awkwardly on the end of a sofa. "Everyone, this is Anu," he said.
"Hi Anu," said the red-headed girl who seemed to be the leader. "I'm Fiona. We're just discussing the student community outreach group, which was my idea. Do you want to join us?"
I hesitated for a second. I wasn't sure what exactly I was signing myself up for.
[["What would it involve?" I asked.]]
[["Are you in touch with the community?" I asked.]]Fiona looked flustered. "No, like, I only just had the idea today, and these guys were really interested. Obviously our next step would be to talk to the community and find out what their needs are."
I stayed silent.
"You could be really helpful, actually," she said. "There's such a big migrant population, and we would love to have someone who could help us connect with the South Asian community."
[[I didn't know what to say.]]
[[That was a red flag for me.]]
[["That sounds very cool," I said.]]It was an interesting initiative, but I thought I'd wait and see how it shaped up before I got myself too involved.
I tried to drift away casually from the conversation. Mike caught my eye as I was leaving and gave me a wink. I could tell that he, too, was a bit disconcerted by Fiona's leadership style.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]I knew this would probably embarrass her, but somehow I didn't really care about that.
"I learned some Hindi while I was there," she said haughtily. "Unfortunately we didn't have the option of learning a global language in school, it was only French or Spanish."
I refrained from pointing out that there were plenty of lower-income countries where those languages were spoken. The atmosphere at the table was already tense.
[[I decided to keep quiet for a while.]]
[[I decided to move away from the group.]]There was one thing I had to make clear though: "Obviously I don't speak on behalf of everyone who is South Asian, but I'd like to get to know the community here. Do you know if there are many Tamil-speakers?"
"Oh, um, I haven't found that out yet," said Fiona. "I've passed women in saris on the street, and I know that there's an Indian takeaway a few blocks over."
[[It wasn't a huge amount to go on...]]
[[My enthusiasm started to wane slightly.]]"I'll so some research," I said, "and get back to you about it."
"Great," said Fiona, "That's awesome. Mike, can you connect with the Afro-Irish community?"
"Yeah, sure," said Mike. "Though like Anu said, I wouldn't have a huge amount in common with some of them."
Fiona sighed. "Just do your best," she said. "Now, about the actual positions on the committee..."
[[I decided to keep quiet for a while.]]
[[I decided to move away from the group.]]Fiona was looking at me like she wanted approval, but I was not ready to get into a conversation about Indian women's entrepreneurship.
"That's very interesting," I said politely. "I'd love to hear about it sometime."
"Yes," she said, "it's so good to talk to someone who understands."
I gave her a brittle smile and decided that enough was enough. Pretending that I needed a drink, I turned away from them...
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked up to the group by the fridge.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]I decided not to slip away from the party quietly. As I opened the door into the corridor, I found myself face to face with a guy I vaguely recognised from earlier. He was carrying a slab of beer cans over one shoulder.
"Hey, you're not leaving already, are you?" he asked. His voice was full of concerned playfulness.
[["Afraid so!" I said cheerfully.]]
[[I hesitated, thinking that maybe I should stay.]]Fiona seemed quite authoritative, but she didn't really know what she was doing.
"Mike," she said, "you can talk to the African community for us, right?"
"Okay," he said. "Though like Anu said, there's a lot of internal diversity - and I have a feeling there are more East Africans in this area."
"Oh, right," said Fiona. "Well, just see what you can do. Now about the committee..."
[[I decided to keep quiet for a while.]]
[[I decided to move away from the group.]]"Do you know," I asked him, "that studies show that the majority of adults don't know how to interact with a baby until they are able to assume its sex? And then if they think it's a boy, they'll tell him he's big and strong, and if it's a girl, they'll tell her she has a pretty face?"
Lisa spoke up before Ben had time to react. "That's so interesting," she said. "I have a cousin who is pregnant, and the first thing most people ask when they see the bump is whether she's having a boy or a girl. And she's like, I just want to have a healthy baby."
[[Ben seemed to be at a temporary loss for words.]]
[[The rest of the group was listening curiously.]]"You can't just ignore biology when it suits you," said Ben. "Men and women have evolved different physical and emotional traits, so they're geared towards different social roles."
"I think the evolutionary differences are exaggerated," I said, "and anyway, it's precisely because we are different that we need a gender balance in areas like STEM. Did you know that women are more likely to die or be hurt in a car crash than men?" I could see him rolling his eyes, so I hastened to add: "And it's not because of some stereotype about female drivers, it's because crash test dummies are modelled on male bodies - because the MEN who designed the tests just assumed that their experience was universal when it's not."
[[Ben seemed to be at a temporary loss for words.]]
[[The rest of the group was listening curiously.]]I decided to walk away from the conversation before he could come back with some glib counter-retort. I had the impression that he didn't really care what he was saying, he was just eager to have an audience. There was no denying that he'd make an impressive public speaker - which was why it was all the more important for someone to challenge a few of his preconceptions about gender!
I smiled at Lisa again and mouthed "good luck" to her, before making what I hoped was a dignified exit from the group.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]Lisa was looking relieved now that Ben had fallen temporarily silent. I wondered why she was hanging out in a group with him, given that they seemed to have almost the exact opposite opinion on most things.
Maybe it wasn't about sharing opinions, I thought, but about valuing discussion. She had told me that what excited her about coming to college was the chance to have long, philosophical discussions with people. I thought Ben seemed more aggressive than open-minded, but maybe she had seen a different side to him earlier.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]"Oh, cool," said one of the girls. "I'm thinking about doing something similar for politics. I'd like to work in a think tank or somewhere. Although there's a junior leadership programme in the US that looks really good!"
Ben rolled his eyes - he did that a lot - and said "tell me it's not all about 'women' in leadership?"
She laughed at his comment. "No, I promise, it's so that all junior leaders can reach their potential, irrespective of their gender or ethnic identity."
[["Are the places subsidised?" I asked her.]]
[[I looked at Lisa for a second.]]Ben seemed like the kind of guy who would find reasons to argue with you even if he didn't believe a word of what he was saying. He would probably say anything if it got him attention in front of a group. I backed away from him, murmuring something about needing to use the bathroom.
It was a lie, but I felt I'd committed to it, so I stood in line for the bathroom and then spent a couple of minutes in there reading the labels on all of the bottles they had in the shower. They said things like: //Strong, muscular scent// and //Shampoo for MEN!//.
When I returned to the party, the group around the fridge had dispersed.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]...but to my surprise, neither of them spoke.
I knew that Lisa's family didn't have a lot of money. She had already told me that she had saved up the money for Student Residences by working in a local bar, and she'd probably be going home most weekends that she could pick up the extra shift work.
Now Ben was talking about postgraduate opportunities: "I just don't know yet if the UK or US system would suit me better. Like, obviously both have a lot going for them..."
[[I decided to change the subject.]]
[["I take it you don't have to worry very much about money," I said.]]"Why, are you interested?" she asked. I could tell that she was suddenly sizing me up as competition.
"Just curious," I replied.
"I think there are two scholarship places," she said. "Although I think you still have to pay for the flight and visa cost if there is any. Everyone else pays for food and accommodation as well."
[["Then it's still out of reach for a lot of people," I said.]]
[[I decided to stay quiet for a while.]]She seemed uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going. I guessed it was because she had already made her plans for next summer - she had told me that she would most likely end up back to her hometown, working at the local bar. That was how she had earned the money to pay for this year in Student Residences.
One of the other guys in the group was looking uncomfortable too, I noticed. But Ben seemed oblivious to this as he continued: "Yeah, it's important to get stuff like that on your CV as soon as possible."
[[I decided to change the subject.]]
[[I decided to stay quiet for a while.]]"Why are we talking about career plans anyway?" I joked. "This is a party!"
"Yeah," said Lisa, "we're supposed to be getting drunk and creating embarassing memories that will haunt us for the rest of our time together!"
There was a round of laughter, and several people moved away to get something to drink.
I walked away too, thinking that I would probably avoid Ben for the rest of the night.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]The group went quiet and I wondered if I had broken some kind of social taboo. Ben said nothing.
"Haha, no," said one of the guys, "his parents are loaded."
"Maybe compared to some people," said Ben, rallying. "But they earned that money through honest work, and now all I'm doing is trying to build my own career. Is that a crime?"
I sighed inwardly.
[["No one's accusing you of a crime," I said patiently.]]
[[Once more, I waited to see if anyone else would intervene.]]"I'm just saying, you're fortunate to be in the position you're in."
This seemed to mollify him, and Lisa gave me a relieved glance.
"So, who's thinking about going on to a club after this?" she asked of the group at large. Several people all tried to talk at once, and I decided to back away from them for now. I felt like Ben would still try to argue with me at every chance he got, and I just wasn't interested in that style of conversation.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]"I don't know, man," said a guy who had been listening quietly up until now. "I mean, your parents own property, and according to Marxism, all property is theft."
"In that case, your parents are also criminals!" he said. I realised from their tone that they must know one another's families.
"I know," he replied. "I'm thinking about denouncing them any day now."
Ben laughed, and the rest of the group suddenly relaxed. I decided to slip away while somebody else changed the conversation topic.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]She shrugged. "I know," she said, "but at least they're making an effort."
The others didn't see too inclined to continue this conversation, and I wasn't sure what else there was to say. I just hoped that the future junior leaders were aware of their privilege.
Ben's comment about 'women' in leadership had nettled me too, but I didn't want to start a fight with him. I felt like a change of atmosphere would do me good.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]The conversation moved on from internships and summer programmes to what clubs and societies everyone was getting involved in. There was no doubt about it, this group was obsessed with extra-curricular activities.
On the one hand, it felt motivating to be around them. I admired the effort they put in to planning things.
On the other hand, I got the impression that a few of them didn't really know //why //they were doing certain things, except that it would look good on a CV.
I felt kind of sorry for them.
[[I went over to the girl by the window.]]
[[I walked over to the table.]]
[[I stayed still, unsure what to do.]]
[[I decided to leave the party.]]"Stay there," he said, "please. I'll be back in two seconds."
He disappeared towards the kitchen.
I tried to decide what to do. If I stayed for one drink, would he leave me alone afterwards? If I went back to my apartment, would he come looking for me? I didn't know if this was normal behaviour here, or if he was crossing a line. I just knew that he made me uncomfortable.
[[I decided to call after him.]]
[[I decided to leave.]]"Okay," he said, "I give up. I can tell when a woman has had enough."
If his behaviour during this conversation was anything to go by, Ronan had absolutely no idea when a woman had had enough of him. That, or he enjoyed the sensation of having power over them.
He moved a little bit, but I still had to squeeze my body past him in order to leave the apartment.
"Good night, princess!" he called after me.
I made it to the door of my own apartment and fumbled with my key card. I was feeling...
[[shaken.]]
[[confused.]] "Wait, no!" I said.
He turned, expectantly.
"Sorry," I said. "It's just that I really am tired. Can we continue this conversation another time?"
"Of course, Anu," he said. "I wouldn't dream of putting pressure on you."
I refrained from saying that this was exactly what he had been doing. Giving him a smile that in no way reflected what I actually felt about him, I left the apartment and made my way home. As I unlocked my door, I felt...
[[confused.]]
[[shaken.]]Without a backward glance, I stepped out in the corridor and let the door fall closed softly behind me. Then I ran the length of the corridor to my front door, hoping that I wouldn't hear his voice calling for me to come back.
I fumbled with my key card, and once I was inside I stood in the dark hall of my own apartment, breathing heavily.
I felt...
[[shaken.]]
[[confused.]]TiLT is a role-playing game set in a Generic University halls. The game gives you the opportunity to play through the persepctive of two characters, Anu and then Mike, and see what happens as they settle in to a situation very like your own.
We hope you enjoy the experience.
[[Sounds good. How do I play?]]Double-click this passage to edit it.We all find it annoying when people make assumptions about us based on our accent, our clothes, our names, our gender, our race.
We instinctively know that it's not fair for someone to judge us not on our individuality but on pre-conceived ideas or stereotypes that they have received in their families, in education, in the media, in broader society.
If these assumptions are negative and you are on the receiving end of them repeatedly, they affect your self-esteem, your health and your happiness. So, we want to make them less likely to happen.
[[Next|GetStartedNext]]This game is to get you to think about what assumptions you have about individuals who are different from you in some way - including gender, race, ethnicity, class.
Once you become aware of them, you are less likely to inadvertently say or do something that will harm another person. You also see how some aspects of your identity make your journey easier or harder in university and society through no fault or virtue of your own, and that organisations can do things to make it fairer for everyone.
The upside for you is that you get better at communicating and empathising with others, making it more likely that you make stronger friendships and romantic relationships, and you make the environment you are in a more welcoming place. Win win!
[[Next|GetStartedNext2]]Double-click this passage to edit it.Double-click this passage to edit it.Double-click this passage to edit it.