you are golden paw a young tom with your eyes set on the lovely silver paw. make the right choices to gain her love and to gain power among the clans.
(i am not finished but thought i could put it out there this is my first game and I'm just learning please enjoy and suggest any OCs you want implemented(must be realistic no doughnut tail or yeet stars or anything like that and they will be minor characters))
It has potential but the grammatical errors need to be fixed.
What I think about it:
Story-
Not bad, but could use a bit more reasoning of why the mc (Goldenpaw) likes Silverpaw. Is it because of her beautiful fur? Or is it because of her possibly lovable personality? Set up lore behind it so it feels like an actual crush besides just "you just like her".
About attacking the medicine cat apprentice, while it is a good option to have, when reading the section, it feels quite bland. Also, attacking him RIGHT in front of your crush feels a bit much. I would have wrote it somewhat like this:
"Your paws burned beneath you as you glared at Smallpaw, why was he near Silverpaw? Padding over, you shove your way in, shoving Smallpaw harshly. "What was that for?" Smallpaw squeaked, his eyes on you. "Sorry! It was an accident!" You meow innocently, quite glad to see Smallpaw farther away from Silverpaw. Seeing Silverpaw help the tom up, you silently scowled. Smallpaw glanced to you, taking note of your hostility.
Silverpaw looked to you with a smile. Smallpaw padded away, not up to getting on your "bad side". Silverpaw sat next to you, her beautiful silver fur glistening as the sunlight hit it. Feeling your heart pound against your chest, you awkwardly smiled. Everything about her was perfect to you, her fur in the sunlight, her (Silverpaw's eye color) eyes that shine like a/the (adjective), her perfect, lovable personality, who wouldn't love her? But, that also means you have to show everyone else you are her lover and she is taken.
Snapping back into reality, you look to Silverpaw who was chuckling. "You alive?" Silverpaw snorts as she pokes you. "Yeah!" You stammer as you felt the warmth of her paw. A light purr almost escaped as you got caught up in the moment but Silverpaw luckily didn't notice. "So, me and Littletail were going to go do some battle training later, are you free? I would love to train with you!" Silverpaw meowed, her words sounding as beautiful as a poet's. Your ears pricked up as your heart pounded harder than before. "I will ask Ashheart!" You immediately meowed.
Dashing away, you glance around camp for Ashheart. Seeing the tom, you dart over. "Can I go train with Silverpaw and Littletail!" You meow, your eyes shining. "What are you doing first of all?" Ashheart meowed, his tail lashing. "Silverpaw said it was battle training!" You meow. Ashheart...
[[lets you go with them.]] or [[says you have to hunt for the elders.]]"
I am not saying it has to be like that, but, as you can tell, it gives life to the world you are in along with a fun read. Make sure to show the character yet not give everything about them away. Such as Goldenpaw painting Silverpaw as perfect, that is his view of Silverpaw, so, of course, you would show her as "perfect" even though she isn't.
Points: Currently, I would give it 2.5/5. As said, it has potential, but it needs to be explored more.
Fantasy
Comedy
Horror
Educational
Sci-Fi
Mystery
Puzzle
Simulation
Surreal
RPG
Slice of Life
Historical
Literature
Romance
Seasonal
Work in Progress
