Booooo. The game is stolen, the story's broken, and I can't find another thing that rhymes with token.
No words can describe how much I can relate to this story.
And it's funny in some places too, like the fact that you can't eat anything other than pop tarts. (Ice cream binge anyone?)
This is a pretty lit story. Short, but cool nonetheless. I got the cliché horror story ending and the one where the boy reclaims his rightful place. Maybe you could make that branch a bit longer.
5/5! WOOO!
This is good. While I can see that this story is still not fully finished, I really like what's going down in this world. And "dance" is a unique theme.
(Looks at what I've written so far)
(Pause)
(Clicks the box next to "Your Rating")
(Changes from 4-Good to 5-Fantastic)
KEEP UP DE GOOD WERK! (Consecutive Thumbs Up)
Short but sweet. Nothing like a little fast food action to entertain me for about 50 seconds.
Not bad!
Really realistic, and I like how you can betray people. Maybe add variables to show how many people are left in your team? I tried multiple different choices, but they ended abruptly, so I assume this is still very early in production?
Keep up the good work! (>o<) I would usually tell people to add humor in the story, but this story doesn't need humor to make it interesting.
tHIs Is amZINg!! I reat did a 5 oUt of faNtaStIK!
Seriously, though, good job. I love this game.... Specifically because of the potty and humor and sheer stupidity. Great job! KEEP IT COMING!
But add SOME seriousness to contrast the stupidity. I mean, you do need a solid storyline, not a bunch of random branches where you die randomly.
I was ashamed at how funny this story was compared to any of my stories. GG fellow, I have lost.
I was looking through the recent WIP stuff, I see my bud glutenwhip leaving a good review for this story, so I checked it out. And it's just my type of adventure! Loving the roleplay! <3
AWESOME!
Great world you're making, and cool narration. But there are too many similiarities to Harry Potter... I guess that's inevitable, this being a school for witchcraft and wizardry. I was going to give this a 4 star, but it's a WIP, so who am I to judge? Keep up the awesome work!
(Psst... Check out my story too? I'd love your critique.)
I rate this a 99.999/100.
It's cool how different choices will put you in different worlds, like (spoiler) either Alpha being good or bad.
Only part I didn't like? Well, while it was cool, I found myself skimming over the text because some parts were a bit boring. Maybe it's just me, but maybe you could spice things up a wee bit?
Otherwise, this is awesome, and I'm excited for more. Keep up the good work!
Hmm. Very monotonous. Just like actual work. Maybe add some dating elements, or the possibility of getting fired?
LOVE IT!
I've been exploring other people's stories for a while, and I gotta say, many of these are underrated. I had to say something. Keep up the good work!
(P.S. I am choosing being a killer because I have a feeling fighting my inner demons will be harder.)
After checking out your other story, I read this one. ALSO EQUALLY AMAZING!
Partially because I'm sick myself.
OH MY LORD!
This is amazing! Lots of words, mostly well-written, some humor.
That's my type of story.
(applause!)
1. Capitalization.
2. Spelling.
3. Grammar.
You have triggered me in all of the three ways. BUT! Great information. Although I know it is a school project and it's supposed to be realistic, I want you to add some lighthearted humor in it. It would fit well.
But yeah, that's all I have to say. Keep that in mind when making another story/project. You could just make a story just for fun, you know?
I'm thinking it's gonna be good, but I gave up halfway because
1. Minecraft brings back bad memories
and
2. I am a grammar freak
AYY!! This is GOOD!
Had me wondering at the end there. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? WHO IS THAT BASTARD HANGING OUT WITH YOUR ASH!
But here's some feedback. I know you wanted to start off seemingly in the middle of a story to hook them in, and that's good. But maybe you could add some more backstory between Jo and Ash, like "Jo couldn't help but feel nostalgic as she remembered the good old days;".
Welp, that's about it. You've earned my respect. I'm looking forward to the next parts.
Also, would you mind if I asked you to check out my stories? That'd be GREATLY appreciated. :D
